When I was a 'new' spouse

A few minutes ago, I read a blog about understanding how a military wife couldn't love their husband.  It was written based on a comment written in by a young military wife who talked had witnessed what was viewed at military wives not loving their husbands because of how they acted after their spouse left.  She made reference to the trips, activities and just in general 'planning' for when their spouse was gone. 

I remember that point in not understanding.  Mine came in a different point than most though.  Mine came about four months into the last deployment because I found myself in a world I had no idea about, a world I had kept my distance from.  Even though I was a military spouse, I was also a soldier.  Even though we had been through more than our fair share of separations, when he was gone I had my own mission to focus on, so I had never really considered myself an Army Wife.  Then all of that changed.  I found myself on the rear detachment as both the rear D First Sergeant and the FRL (Family Readiness Liaison).  It was my job to ensure the welfare of the few soldiers we had on the rear detachment, but I also became the direct link between the spouses and the forward chain of command for anything military they needed taken care of. 

For the first few weeks in the rear, I went to work and went home.  I didn't do anything outside of what needed to be done.  I did grocery shopping, I took care of my soldiers and I stayed home.  Those first few weeks were extremely long.  One of the soldiers I had been deployed with had told his wife that I was coming back and asked her to get in touch with me.  When she first called me and asked me to go along on a shopping trip to the big PX and commissary (we were stationed on a very small post in Germany at the time), I was hesitant.  I was different from these other ladies, what was I going to talk about, what would I have in common with them...  But out of need of getting out of our small apartment, I agreed to go. 

That short day trip was an eye opener.  We spent the day talking about what we had heard from our husbands, talking about upcoming plans, etc.  As I listened to them talk about plans they had, I couldn't help by feel guilty over even considering to do any of these without my husband.  Sure, we did A LOT of things apart, but when we had first moved to Germany, I had always thought all of our travelling would be done together.

A little over a month later, a trip to London came up.  I wanted to go so badly, but I was wrestling with the guilt of going without my husband.  What if when he got back, it was a trip we never had a chance to take together, what if, what if, what if.  When I first mentioned it to him, it was like I was trying to tell him the most horrible news.  His response was, 'Go, have fun, take pictures.'  I didn't know what to think.  After one of the other spouses I met that first day decided to go, I decided to give it a chance.  So I went. 

When I got back, the feelings of guilt were still there, but I had fun.  Since I had shared a room with this spouse I had just met, we had the chance to get to know each other better and we ended up becoming very close friends.  It still took me a little bit to understand that this trip, heck, just making plans when your soldier is gone is okay.  It's not leaving them out of your life, it's simply continuing to live when they are gone. 

Over the course of the next eight months, that trip to London became the start.  After much debate, my husband bought a plane ticket home for me for Christmas.  He didn't want me to be alone in Germany on Christmas since I had only been back less than two months.  So with the guilt heavy and fresh again, I went home for a few weeks.  After arriving back in Germany, I was thankful for that trip home.  The aunt had passed away the night before I had flown home, so I was able to be there when she was laid to rest.  I spent much needed time with my family, time that for once wasn't leading up to a deployment. 

Later in January, the ladies were going to Ikea and invited me along, this time I didn't hesitate, I went.  Then a trip to Budapest was presented, after a little consideration, I went.  I went, I had fun and I took lots of pictures. 

After redeployment, some of that guilt over going places resurfaced.  I felt like I had omitted him from that part of my life.  We talked about it and he honestly was thankful for those trips, he was thankful for me getting out of the house. 

He knew my transition was very difficult on me, so he was thankful for the distraction of going places and he was thankful for these ladies who helped me see that it's okay.  It's okay to take that trip or make those plans.  It's okay to have a life when they aren't here.  These isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wish my husband was there to share in whatever event it taking place for the day, but I also realize that I can't spend my life sitting at home waiting for him to come home.  No different than he is experiencing new and different things on a regular basis (in a very different capacity), I need to do the same thing. 

So as this next deployment is on the horizon, I'm making plans now.  I'm looking up activities to take our boys to, things they will enjoy, something to focus on besides the fact that our soldier is gone at the moment.  After all, whether we choose to take advantage or whether we stay locked up in our homes, each day is still going to pass and if we can make that time until they come home go quicker by enjoying it, then why not...so 'Go. Have fun. Take pictures.'

Different Paths

It's amazing how many times plans change.  A decade ago, I would have never thought that I would have joined the Army or deployed twice to Iraq or had the opportunity to spend hours crewing in the back of a Blackhawk, but about a year and a half later I found myself in basic training. 

Over the course of that decade, a lot of other plans have changed as well.  I didn't think I would find my best friend and other half in a soldier.  I thought I would be putting in my packet for warrant officer school.  I had planned on staying in the Army as a career.  I hadn't planned on being a stay at home mom...  But then life happened and as many times it does, your path takes a different direction than you expected. 

My husband I met during my first deployment and although we didn't hit it off at first, once we got to know each other all of that changed.  We have been married now for over five years.

My packet for warrant officer school was derailed when I had to have eye surgery to qualify.  I completed the surgery, but by the time the checkup that would clear me came up, I was in the middle of Iraq.  Before I redeployed, I had messed up my back and wasn't able to ever receive medical clearance.

After returning early from my second deployment and being deemed non-deployable because of significant issues with my back, migraines and episodes of vision loss, my MEB began.  Within a few months, they deemed I no longer met physical requirements to stay in the Army and the process of medical retirement began. 

Right after my retirement, we found out we were expecting our first child and just a little over a month ago we welcomed our second son into our little family.  Although, being a stay at home mom at one point in time had been the least appealing option to me, I couldn't imagine doing anything but that now.  Having the opportunity to watch every step of the way and since my husband is gone on a regular basis, being able to document things so he is able to witness them and be apart of them even when he isn't here. 

If you had asked me five years ago where I would be now, I would have never guessed this was the path my life would have taken.  When it all comes down to it, every step has been part of who I am now and there isn't any part of it I would give up.