So some days are better than others... I think that is a statement that almost anyone in or around the military can relate to. Just like with everything else, I have good days and I have bad days. Days that I'm in a lot of pain and days that it is managable, days that I'm overly paranoid and days that nothing seems to bother me.
This time of year things are a little different. Fireworks used to be one of my favorite things. Our family ran a fireworks tent every year, I can't remember a year growing up that we weren't either at the tent or watching fireworks.
Last year, we arrived back to the States in June after being overseas for the previous five 4th of Julys. I felt like I was in culture shock... you see, the last time I had been home for a 4th of July was prior to my first deployment. Prior to the anxiety and being paranoid. Prior to PTSD.
I heard the fireworks going off throughout the week leading up to the 4th, but most of them were far enough away not to bother me. My parents, husband and I hit the fireworks stands and we were all excited to get some stuff to shoot off, afterall we had five years to make up for. The night of the 4th we went out to my cousin's house and even though I could see where everything was coming from, I still felt like the cat hanging from the ceiling after someone had spooked it.
Shortly after the 4th was when we moved into our new house, in the short months before our son was born we were frantically unpacking. Then our son arrived and life became even busier than before and the thoughts of the 4th drifted away.
Until last night....
I heard what sounded like someone banging on one of the doors downstairs trying to get into our basement. I started panicking and I was quickly armed, pistol in one hand and my phone in the other. I called my mom and asked her to stay on the phone with me until I checked everything out. As I checked each room and saw nothing was wrong, I quickly moved on to the next room. When I finally moved downstairs, I could feel my body tensing up, but I was ready for what, if anything, I would find.
After everything checked out and I was heading back upstairs, my mom brought up fireworks... I hadn't even thought about it being that time of year until that moment. A little while later, I heard the same noises again and as I listened intently, I realized that it was fireworks....
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
love letters
The other night I did pictures for a military spouse. Her husband is currently deployed, so she wanted to do something to surprise him. I had come up with an idea for a picture, but given that most anymore rely on technology, I wasn't sure if she would have what was needed for the picture.
I sent her an email with the rough idea for my picture and she said that wouldn't be a problem. This picture was going to require a letter. With all the different forms of communication that are out there, the handwritten letter is something that is not seen very much anymore whether in the form of military love letters or just a simple thank you to someone.
This spouse told me that although they skype and email back and forth, she writes him at least a short handwritten letter everyday. During my husband's most recent deployment, he was able to get a cell phone where he was, but we never used Skype and often times there was minimal to no signal at the remote sites he was at most of the time. For us, the handwritten letter was our primary form of communication.
This made me think of a couple things. The first is the box of letters that carry with them a little bit of the dirt from where we were at in that moment, they carry a little bit of our smell and on some there are small spots of either sweat or tears depending on what was in the letter. That is something you won't ever get in an email. My second thought was thinking back to the wives and mothers of wars past, who had nothing more than snail mail as a way to keep in touch with their soldier.
The second thought has come to me many times as I wonder how many of us would survive as military spouses if we had nothing more than that one tie to our soldier. Or sending them off not having even a rough timeframe on when they would be coming home. In a day where casualties are a fraction of what they were years ago and where technology has protected our soldiers in ways not even imagined in the past, it's easy to forget how difficult it was years ago.
I guess for me, sitting down and writing my husband when he is gone is a way to send a little bit of me to him in the form of seeing my handwriting and maybe catching a slight scent of me. For us, this form of communication that is often looked at as ancient or a way of the past, is the main thread that binds us when he is away.
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I sent her an email with the rough idea for my picture and she said that wouldn't be a problem. This picture was going to require a letter. With all the different forms of communication that are out there, the handwritten letter is something that is not seen very much anymore whether in the form of military love letters or just a simple thank you to someone.
This spouse told me that although they skype and email back and forth, she writes him at least a short handwritten letter everyday. During my husband's most recent deployment, he was able to get a cell phone where he was, but we never used Skype and often times there was minimal to no signal at the remote sites he was at most of the time. For us, the handwritten letter was our primary form of communication.
This made me think of a couple things. The first is the box of letters that carry with them a little bit of the dirt from where we were at in that moment, they carry a little bit of our smell and on some there are small spots of either sweat or tears depending on what was in the letter. That is something you won't ever get in an email. My second thought was thinking back to the wives and mothers of wars past, who had nothing more than snail mail as a way to keep in touch with their soldier.
The second thought has come to me many times as I wonder how many of us would survive as military spouses if we had nothing more than that one tie to our soldier. Or sending them off not having even a rough timeframe on when they would be coming home. In a day where casualties are a fraction of what they were years ago and where technology has protected our soldiers in ways not even imagined in the past, it's easy to forget how difficult it was years ago.
I guess for me, sitting down and writing my husband when he is gone is a way to send a little bit of me to him in the form of seeing my handwriting and maybe catching a slight scent of me. For us, this form of communication that is often looked at as ancient or a way of the past, is the main thread that binds us when he is away.
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Photos for Soldier (http://photosforsoldiers.com) is an organization that provides free photo sessions and a CD of all the pictures at no charge to deploying service members and their families.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Father's Day
Today we celebrate fathers. It's my husband's first year celebrating as a daddy to our nine month old son. As I watch him play with our son, feed him and rock him to sleep, it makes me think of what my dad was first dealing with thirty years ago.
His first father's day I would have been a little over five months old, I'm sure he was as overwhelmed as we have been in this first year of parenthood. Now he's a grandpa. But even though I'm grown, married and have a child of my own, inside there is still a daddy's little girl.
When I joined the military, I was scared to tell both my parents, but I was more nervous about telling my dad. I had been going to college, but hadn't quite finished yet when I enlisted. I was worried that he would be disappointed, but just as my dad has always done he had nothing but a sense of pride in what I was doing.
The day I left for basic, we all struggled with goodbye. I didn't really know what was coming, and they didn't know what they were sending me off to. It was a post-9/11 Army and everything was already active in both Iraq and Afghanistan. A little less than two years later I found myself getting ready to head overseas. My family came down the weekend before I deployed and when it came time for them to head home, we all knew things were going to change.
Fifteen months later when I redeployed, my parents were there in Fort Hood to welcome me home. As the buses pulled up in front of Cav headquarters, I was scanning the crowd looking for them. The first person I saw was my dad, who was standing on the field with a couple other individuals. As soon as we marched across the field and the order dismissed was given, he was the first one to meet me on the field. Nine hours later we would return back to that same field and he would meet his future son-in-law.
I look back over the years and all the memories, the games of catch, fishing and camping, the practical jokes and the slightly off key singing. I would imagine that his first father's day all those years ago that he probably imagined all the different possibilities on what path I would take, none of which are probably anywhere close to the path I took.
But there has never been a moment where I felt like he wasn't proud of me and no matter how old I get, daddy's little girl is always going to be a part of who I am.
His first father's day I would have been a little over five months old, I'm sure he was as overwhelmed as we have been in this first year of parenthood. Now he's a grandpa. But even though I'm grown, married and have a child of my own, inside there is still a daddy's little girl.
When I joined the military, I was scared to tell both my parents, but I was more nervous about telling my dad. I had been going to college, but hadn't quite finished yet when I enlisted. I was worried that he would be disappointed, but just as my dad has always done he had nothing but a sense of pride in what I was doing.
The day I left for basic, we all struggled with goodbye. I didn't really know what was coming, and they didn't know what they were sending me off to. It was a post-9/11 Army and everything was already active in both Iraq and Afghanistan. A little less than two years later I found myself getting ready to head overseas. My family came down the weekend before I deployed and when it came time for them to head home, we all knew things were going to change.
Fifteen months later when I redeployed, my parents were there in Fort Hood to welcome me home. As the buses pulled up in front of Cav headquarters, I was scanning the crowd looking for them. The first person I saw was my dad, who was standing on the field with a couple other individuals. As soon as we marched across the field and the order dismissed was given, he was the first one to meet me on the field. Nine hours later we would return back to that same field and he would meet his future son-in-law.
I look back over the years and all the memories, the games of catch, fishing and camping, the practical jokes and the slightly off key singing. I would imagine that his first father's day all those years ago that he probably imagined all the different possibilities on what path I would take, none of which are probably anywhere close to the path I took.
But there has never been a moment where I felt like he wasn't proud of me and no matter how old I get, daddy's little girl is always going to be a part of who I am.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
237 years
237 years, it's amazing to look back and think of all the history in that time. The wars, the Soldiers, the sacrifices, the Fallen, the families, regulations and manuals, weapons and ammo. A culture that has become a lifestyle for many, with its own traditions and language. But one thing hasn't changed, the backbone of those in uniform.
The Soldier has consistently stood for freedoms, not just for those in the United States, but in countries that many people had never heard of, on missions that most don't know exist. They have provided the opportunity to live in democracy, to say what you feel, to have a mind of your own. Countries that have told the USA to stay out, whose people have fought our Soldiers, have not deterred the mission of Soldiers to provide a better life for them.
Many, too many, have made the ultimate sacrifice for a cause they believe in. They fought so others didn't have to, but often they left behind families - mothers and fathers, spouses and their children. Some of them will never know their Soldier because their Soldier perished before they were born or had a chance to meet them.
For 237 years, it has been easy for those who have never worn the uniform or loved someone in the uniform to judge how they may have handled a situation or that they 'choose' to leave their family for a year or more at a time. They have protested at the funerals of our Fallen and said hateful things, but these military professionals still get up in the morning and don the uniform and face an enemy to protect those back home and to continue providing the freedom to protest.
Some may never understand why anyone would join the Army (or any other branch of service). But for every Soldier there is a story; a desire to serve, a college education, a way off the streets. And although some come and stand in the ranks for a short period of time, they are forever a veteran. An individual who at one point in time wrote a blank check to the citizens of the United States for an amount up to their life to ensure that the freedoms our founding fathers set forth, will continue to be the ideals that their children are able to enjoy.
To the Army, Happy 237th Birthday, here's to so many more!
The Soldier has consistently stood for freedoms, not just for those in the United States, but in countries that many people had never heard of, on missions that most don't know exist. They have provided the opportunity to live in democracy, to say what you feel, to have a mind of your own. Countries that have told the USA to stay out, whose people have fought our Soldiers, have not deterred the mission of Soldiers to provide a better life for them.
Many, too many, have made the ultimate sacrifice for a cause they believe in. They fought so others didn't have to, but often they left behind families - mothers and fathers, spouses and their children. Some of them will never know their Soldier because their Soldier perished before they were born or had a chance to meet them.
For 237 years, it has been easy for those who have never worn the uniform or loved someone in the uniform to judge how they may have handled a situation or that they 'choose' to leave their family for a year or more at a time. They have protested at the funerals of our Fallen and said hateful things, but these military professionals still get up in the morning and don the uniform and face an enemy to protect those back home and to continue providing the freedom to protest.
Some may never understand why anyone would join the Army (or any other branch of service). But for every Soldier there is a story; a desire to serve, a college education, a way off the streets. And although some come and stand in the ranks for a short period of time, they are forever a veteran. An individual who at one point in time wrote a blank check to the citizens of the United States for an amount up to their life to ensure that the freedoms our founding fathers set forth, will continue to be the ideals that their children are able to enjoy.
To the Army, Happy 237th Birthday, here's to so many more!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Remembering the Fallen
Yesterday, I attended a tour called 'Remembering the Fallen'. A couple out of Nebraska started this as a way to honor the fallen from each state. I have been to memorials before where there have been large numbers of individuals who come out to remember, but yesterday was a little different. Most of those in attendance were the families of the fallen.
The initial ceremony included a roll call, in which the family members each stood at the podium and read the name of their fallen loved one. As I heard names that I recognized, emotions started welling up. But the one that hit the hardest, was the young son of a fallen soldier who read his daddy's name while trying to maintain his composure. Such strength and courage in such a small package.
After the official ceremony was complete, the families stayed around for a bit. Since they had been there for viewing an hour prior, most had seen the pictures of their soldier and left a note already. But as they stood around, they introduced themselves - many already knew each other from other events such as this, but they offered open arms to those who had more recently joined this small group. They consoled each other, they talked about their heroes and they smiled and laughed as they shared some of the stories they like to remember.
This is a group of families that has truly embodied the meaning behind no one left behind. They ensure their heroes aren't forgotten, but they also ensure that none of the families who are going where they have been are left behind. In their loss of a part of their family, they gain an addition to their families who help them to remember those they lost but who help them move forward.
Watching these families together was truly amazing and is an experience I will not forget, just as I will not forget those they ensure are remembered.
The initial ceremony included a roll call, in which the family members each stood at the podium and read the name of their fallen loved one. As I heard names that I recognized, emotions started welling up. But the one that hit the hardest, was the young son of a fallen soldier who read his daddy's name while trying to maintain his composure. Such strength and courage in such a small package.
After the official ceremony was complete, the families stayed around for a bit. Since they had been there for viewing an hour prior, most had seen the pictures of their soldier and left a note already. But as they stood around, they introduced themselves - many already knew each other from other events such as this, but they offered open arms to those who had more recently joined this small group. They consoled each other, they talked about their heroes and they smiled and laughed as they shared some of the stories they like to remember.
This is a group of families that has truly embodied the meaning behind no one left behind. They ensure their heroes aren't forgotten, but they also ensure that none of the families who are going where they have been are left behind. In their loss of a part of their family, they gain an addition to their families who help them to remember those they lost but who help them move forward.
Watching these families together was truly amazing and is an experience I will not forget, just as I will not forget those they ensure are remembered.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
SGLI & DD93
SGLI and DD93 - two of the military terms that most know. They are a part of every preparation for deployment, TDY training or anytime there is a life change in a soldier's life. I filled out more than I can count during my time in, but now I'm on the other side of things.
During the time we were dual military, my husband and I were on listed on each other's paperwork. Today, however, was the first time he has updated his paperwork since our son was born. Although it's another military form, these are probably some of the most important forms to fill out.
I learned when I was going through the Rear D Leaders Course shortly after getting back from my second deployment, that most forms are filled out incorrectly or aren't updated in a timely manner. As the instructor spoke to us, he described different situations he had seen. They ranged anywhere from an 'twice removed' ex-wife receiving everything because the current spouse hadn't been correctly added to the paperwork to a situation in which a soldier stipulated that part of his benefit be left to his child (who wasn't born yet), but didn't state in the remarks that his wife was pregnant, so before anything could be done they required a paternity test to ensure the soldier was the father.
As we sat in awe of what seemed like a complete lack of common sense by the military, we all thought back to how our forms were filled out. Most of us were just at guilty of not properly filling out the documents. In most circumstances when soldiers are filling these forms out, it is during one of these pre-deployment round robins where so many soldiers are processed through and there is the assumption that they know how to fill out the paperwork so it really isn't covered. It just makes me wonder if this speaker had seen those two situations himself, how many are forms our there are incorrect and the soldiers don't even know it.
I know it may seem silly to double check that information, but no different than many other things that my husband will have me double check from time to time, this is one of the most important.
During the time we were dual military, my husband and I were on listed on each other's paperwork. Today, however, was the first time he has updated his paperwork since our son was born. Although it's another military form, these are probably some of the most important forms to fill out.
I learned when I was going through the Rear D Leaders Course shortly after getting back from my second deployment, that most forms are filled out incorrectly or aren't updated in a timely manner. As the instructor spoke to us, he described different situations he had seen. They ranged anywhere from an 'twice removed' ex-wife receiving everything because the current spouse hadn't been correctly added to the paperwork to a situation in which a soldier stipulated that part of his benefit be left to his child (who wasn't born yet), but didn't state in the remarks that his wife was pregnant, so before anything could be done they required a paternity test to ensure the soldier was the father.
As we sat in awe of what seemed like a complete lack of common sense by the military, we all thought back to how our forms were filled out. Most of us were just at guilty of not properly filling out the documents. In most circumstances when soldiers are filling these forms out, it is during one of these pre-deployment round robins where so many soldiers are processed through and there is the assumption that they know how to fill out the paperwork so it really isn't covered. It just makes me wonder if this speaker had seen those two situations himself, how many are forms our there are incorrect and the soldiers don't even know it.
I know it may seem silly to double check that information, but no different than many other things that my husband will have me double check from time to time, this is one of the most important.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
D-Day
D-Day... this is a term that is familiar to most, but the true history behind those four letters is often vaguely known. On June 6, 1944 160,000 allied troops stormed the beaches of Normandy. At the end of the day, the allied forces had gained at least somewhat of a ownership of the beaches, but the cost was high. Over 9,000 allied troops were either wounded or killed in the invasion.
This was not the end of their journey... from there over 100,000 troops continued forward in what resulted in the initial defeat of Hitler. In the defeat, they also freed multiple countries from his reign as dictator and released thousands from concentration camps.
While stationed in Germany, we were able to travel to some of the places that became famous for connections to the Third Reich and Hitler. Dachau concentration camp, Hitler's Eagles Nest and the stadium in Nuremberg that Hitler had big plans for...
All of these are now locations where you can walk where these individuals walked - some leading the tragedy and others facing their end. The cold-hearted and those having their hearts broken.
Those soldiers that marched forward and risked their own life in hopes of saving anothers - someone from another country, someone who probably didn't speak their language or have their same beliefs. They fought for freedom for others, like many before them had done and many who have come after them have continued to do.
Not just Memorial day, not just D-Day, not just Veteran's Day, but everyday these service members should be remembered. For those whose life they saved haven't forgotten...
This was not the end of their journey... from there over 100,000 troops continued forward in what resulted in the initial defeat of Hitler. In the defeat, they also freed multiple countries from his reign as dictator and released thousands from concentration camps.
While stationed in Germany, we were able to travel to some of the places that became famous for connections to the Third Reich and Hitler. Dachau concentration camp, Hitler's Eagles Nest and the stadium in Nuremberg that Hitler had big plans for...
All of these are now locations where you can walk where these individuals walked - some leading the tragedy and others facing their end. The cold-hearted and those having their hearts broken.
Those soldiers that marched forward and risked their own life in hopes of saving anothers - someone from another country, someone who probably didn't speak their language or have their same beliefs. They fought for freedom for others, like many before them had done and many who have come after them have continued to do.
Not just Memorial day, not just D-Day, not just Veteran's Day, but everyday these service members should be remembered. For those whose life they saved haven't forgotten...
The Normandy American Cemetary and Memorial in Colleville-sur-Mer, Normandy, France. The cemetary honors American soldiers who died in Europe during WWII.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Eyes of a spider
During the DUSTWUN missions, there was a small amount of down time. A group of us decided we were going to head out to the aircraft to try to catch a short nap before we had another mission come down. Since the senior crew chief on the aircraft I was on had already gone out to snooze, he had taken up the larger area to lay down. So I laid down on the ground with my head up against the tire.
Shortly after falling asleep, I felt a little bit of pressure on my chest. I didn't think much of it until the pressure felt like it was moving. As I slowly opened my eyes thinking it was one of the other crew chiefs messing with me, I came eye to eyes with a massive camel spider. As I quickly ran through what I should do, all logic went out the window as I jumped up and started screaming.
The other crew chief heard me scream and jumped up and when he realized what happened he couldn't stop laughing. Luckily, he went back to sleep relatively quickly and later I think he thought it was something he had dreamt about and I didn't bother correcting him...
After that I didn't sleep on the ground, I found a way to somewhat comfortably lay in a small spot next to one of the crew chief seats. Just goes to prove that you can sleep anywhere if you are tired enough.
Shortly after falling asleep, I felt a little bit of pressure on my chest. I didn't think much of it until the pressure felt like it was moving. As I slowly opened my eyes thinking it was one of the other crew chiefs messing with me, I came eye to eyes with a massive camel spider. As I quickly ran through what I should do, all logic went out the window as I jumped up and started screaming.
The other crew chief heard me scream and jumped up and when he realized what happened he couldn't stop laughing. Luckily, he went back to sleep relatively quickly and later I think he thought it was something he had dreamt about and I didn't bother correcting him...
After that I didn't sleep on the ground, I found a way to somewhat comfortably lay in a small spot next to one of the crew chief seats. Just goes to prove that you can sleep anywhere if you are tired enough.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Saying good-bye
The day I was heading back to Germany was the same day that the bulk of our company was leaving Iraq for Afghanistan. Since my flight wasn't scheduled until that evening, I went down to the flight line to see them off. As we stood there going through the general process of 'moving', I watched the soldiers get all their bags loaded on the pallets. My husband and I took a couple pics together and in true fashion for him - most of them were a little goofy. Finally that time came...
Since I had deployed with my husband we hadn't done the official 'see you later' like most of the families had. Even though we had been in different locations the majority of the time we were deployed, we still were able to see each other from time to time...all that was changing now. I was being sent back to Germany to start treatment on my back and for a head injury, my soldiers and my husband were leaving to Afghanistan.
I walked around the little terminal they had there and said bye to each of my soldiers, wished them luck and reminded them that if they wanted or needed anything to let me know. When I got to my husband, I tried my best to choke back the tears that wanted to fall. I have a little different perspective than most get into the true picture of deployments or even the daily tasks of their service member, as I have been there, but I am also had the same job speciality as my husband - so I know exactly what his job entails and the dangers associated.
I left as they were called to start boarding. I stood there for a minute and watched them all walk away. When I was out of sight, the tears started. In that instant, there was a feeling of failure - I had let my soldiers down by not being there with them like I had told them I would be prior to deploying, I was letting the families of those soldiers that I had met down as I had promised I would watch after their child and I wasn't going to be there for my husband... Even though I had fought to stay with the unit to move on to Afghanistan and the unit leadership and doctors were the ones that decided otherwise, I still felt like this was on me.
As I started to head back to camp, there was no other spouses to 'be' in that moment with me and understand what I was going through. I felt completely alone... That feeling was doubled when the reality sunk in that I was heading back amongst our unit's spouses - of which, I knew not one. Everyone I knew was moving on to Afghanistan.
A handful of soldiers remained at the camp to finish up the last minute details or those that were getting ready to go on midtour. I took my time getting back so I would ensure my face didn't show the aching that I was feeling.
That night I said another round of good-byes to the soldiers that were still there and then I was taken to the TMC to get ready for my flight back to Landstuhl.
Since I had deployed with my husband we hadn't done the official 'see you later' like most of the families had. Even though we had been in different locations the majority of the time we were deployed, we still were able to see each other from time to time...all that was changing now. I was being sent back to Germany to start treatment on my back and for a head injury, my soldiers and my husband were leaving to Afghanistan.
I walked around the little terminal they had there and said bye to each of my soldiers, wished them luck and reminded them that if they wanted or needed anything to let me know. When I got to my husband, I tried my best to choke back the tears that wanted to fall. I have a little different perspective than most get into the true picture of deployments or even the daily tasks of their service member, as I have been there, but I am also had the same job speciality as my husband - so I know exactly what his job entails and the dangers associated.
I left as they were called to start boarding. I stood there for a minute and watched them all walk away. When I was out of sight, the tears started. In that instant, there was a feeling of failure - I had let my soldiers down by not being there with them like I had told them I would be prior to deploying, I was letting the families of those soldiers that I had met down as I had promised I would watch after their child and I wasn't going to be there for my husband... Even though I had fought to stay with the unit to move on to Afghanistan and the unit leadership and doctors were the ones that decided otherwise, I still felt like this was on me.
As I started to head back to camp, there was no other spouses to 'be' in that moment with me and understand what I was going through. I felt completely alone... That feeling was doubled when the reality sunk in that I was heading back amongst our unit's spouses - of which, I knew not one. Everyone I knew was moving on to Afghanistan.
A handful of soldiers remained at the camp to finish up the last minute details or those that were getting ready to go on midtour. I took my time getting back so I would ensure my face didn't show the aching that I was feeling.
That night I said another round of good-byes to the soldiers that were still there and then I was taken to the TMC to get ready for my flight back to Landstuhl.
Pictures at the terminal:
The one picture I got my husband to actually not make a silly face for.
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