5 years ago

Five years ago today, I found myself back American soil after being deployed for 15 months.  It was my first experience in a combat zone and during that extended time frame I was there, my perspective on things changed.

I joined the Army in November 2004 - well after 9/11 and well into knowing that joining meant deploying.  Yet as I stood in the gym on Fort Hood in October 2006, I was scared.  Those in our unit that had deployed before had told us their experience and given a rough idea of what to expect, but no two stories are the same, no two experiences are the same.  I was walking onto the bus blindly after having made one last call to my family and prepared for what was coming. 

The first step off the plane was a quick entry to reality, with my M16 slung across my back I hit the wall of heat and sand that is Kuwait.  We were here, there was no turning back.  After a few short weeks in Kuwait and a lot of training, we once again loaded a plane that would take us into Iraq.

Over the next 15 months, I would gain a whole new perspective - on myself, on those I worked with, on the true sacrifice that comes with war.  I reenlisted a few months into the deployment, lost my grandfather less than a month later and then shortly after that my dream of flying came true. 

I started progression on a door gunner - the only female door gunner in our brigade.  My days were spent with learning the ins and outs of what made blackhawks fly, doing basic maintenance and learning how to shoot a machine gun while in flight. 

During my last progression flight, the sacrifices that are laid down by our service members became more real than it had ever been.  We had an add on mission - a Hero Mission.  As we were going into land at FOB Washington, the FI (Flight Instructor) I was flying with briefed me on what our role was.  After landing, we each got out of the aircraft and took up our respective places and waited for the individuals from the hospital to bring the soldier who had been killed in action out to the aircraft.  As soon as they made their way into site, I was overcome with emotion.  They were carrying a stretcher draped with a flag.  As they passed under the rotors, we all saluted as we began this soldiers final trip home.  This was the first of multiple Hero Missions I would have the honor of being a part of throughout the rest of the deployment. 

A few months later my cousin, who was deployed the same time frame I was, would hit yet another IED and find himself MEDEVACd yet again.  My unit allowed a few visits when time allowed for us to coordinate flights for me to visit him or him to visit me.  We had ran into each other in Kuwait, the first time I saw him after that was eight months later.  Being an infantry soldier - he had spent his time in a turret on convoys.  That short time frame had changed him, but we were able to have a good visit, then he showed me the humvee he had been in during his most recent IED encounter.  That was another moment of emotions that I can't describe.  Shortly after returning from deployment, the MEB process was started for him, which ended with a medical separation. 

Another few months had passed and I found myself with a simple injury while out on a mission that would progressively get worse through the rest of the deployment and after another deployment would eventually result in my own medical retirement.

In the last months of deployment, a lot of things would change for me.  The soldier of the month board became something I excelled at and would continue finding myself as a board soldier for the remainder of my short career.  I met another soldier who I flew on missions with that just six weeks after we returned from deployment would become my husband. 

As I marched across that parade field that afternoon, I spotted my family and everything started sinking in.  During the deployment, carrying a gun - whether a 9mm pistol, M4 or M16 rifle or a 240 machine guns were a daily thing, getting shot at and the sound of mortars coming in became something you were used it, those that had been acquaintances had become like family, some of those that had I been close to became distant memories and at times those family members became a much needed lifeline. 

Looking back today, I'm thankful for that time.  Even though it meant a lost of missed holidays and celebrations, it also made me a different person and changed the course of my life for the better.

First and Last

My husband and I have been married for almost five years... about half of that one or the other of us has been somewhere other than 'home'.  So I've become accustomed to an empty bed. 

There are still rough nights - nights that sleep just doesn't seem to come no matter how hard you try.  From my experience, the first and the last night are always the worst.

That first night, you are getting used to the lack of someone else in the bed with you.  The comfort that comes with bumping into someone else in your sleep or having someone steal your covers throughout the night.  The second night starts the progression of things getting a little better until you get used to it a little more.

The last night is normally sleepless for me as well.  It doesn't seem to matter how long they are gone, they is always a 'to do' list before they get home, running through what you might be doing for dinner that night or even worrying about what you are going to wear.  Either way, instead of counting sheep - you are counting all the items you haven't yet done. 

There is, of course, the first night they are home as well.  The time where you can no longer sprawl out on the bed and burrito yourself in the covers.  That time where you have someone to cuddle up next to instead of wrapping your arms around his pillow that his smell has faded from over the time he was gone. Either way - all that matters at that point is he's home and once again your bed and your life is whole again.

A new year

I think this is the time of year that everyone tries to come up with a resolution - something attainable, but something that we can be proud of for keeping up with.  I'm no different. 

In the last year, I had started working again after a little over a year off between my medical retirement and having a baby.  My photography business also took off.  The combination of the two kept me extremely busy and left little time for doing things I enjoyed and spending quality time with my family. 

After finding out we were expecting our second child, my back started bothering me so badly that I had to quit my job, but I had stuck with doing my photography.  As I became more and more busy every month, I was giddy.  Making something I loved into a business was a dream come true, but then a few weeks ago I had a dose of reality.

Although I love doing my photography, just like anything else you make into a business - it becomes work and the more you push yourself to accommodate everyone, the less time you have for yourself and the things in life that are truly important.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up my business - I'm just slowing down a little. 

In the last two weeks, I have focused time on my family as my husband had just returned from one TDY and then today he left again.  This is going to be a harsh reality of our 2013, as there are many temporary duties on the calendar already which has the end result of a deployment that's coming up much too soon. 

As I look back at the last two weeks, we have had a chance to regroup, to spend much needed time together and opportunities to laugh and just have fun.  There really haven't been any schedules or requirements to be anywhere at a certain time.  It's just been us.  So for the coming year, that's what my schedule is going to look more like.  More time to play with my son, more time to cuddle with my husband (when he's here) and more time to just simply enjoy the moment.