Yesterday, sitting in my Bible study, something came to me that I think I have avoided acknowledging for the last 11 years.
When I joined the Army, I scored high on the ASVAB, I had been a bank supervisor and been very detailed oriented. When I started my journey in the Army, it was to be a Blackhawk pilot - a goal I had met every requirement for, but eyesight. To this end, I had PRK in 2006. Unfortunately for me, I deployed in what was supposed to be a year-long deployment in October 2006 while waiting for my year to pass to get my eyes signed off on. That deployment extended to 15 months and capabilities to clear my vision weren't available downrange.
While on that deployment, I fell from the side of a 60 while we were out on a passenger transfer. I was knocked unconscious on the flight line for a number of minutes before being brought back to by the other crew chief shaking me. I flew another two hours under Night Vision Goggles, feeling like I was in and out of awareness, before landing for the night. When I went to get out of the aircraft, my legs collapsed. The pilots sensing something hadn't been right through the flight, immediately had me to taken to the med clinic.
The next few years involved a lot of testing, another deployment and an eventual medical retirement from the Army. I struggled through this time, more than probably anyone knows. My mind didn't work like it was supposed to, my ability to process and retain information was gone. Who I was as a whole had changed. My patience was minimal, my thought process seemed to work on a different frequency, things I knew I questioned myself on.
Back to yesterday... In August 2007, something changed, something I don't think I ever fully acknowledged - I didn't become less capable or less intelligent - it was simply like my primarily left-brained being had flipped a switch to right-brain functioning. For years, this has been an ongoing struggle... for years, I didn't understand why all the detail information had been so simple before and now even remembering a simple conversation seemed impossible.
Today, I have found a kind of purpose in the creative avenue. Is there part of me that still longs to take a flight at the controls of a helicopter one day? I would be lying if I said I don't still think about it daily. But it's part of who I was... a time before my family was really built, a time before I became a mom, a time before I found that a creative avenue could still be a successful avenue for me.
It took over eleven years to finally vocally acknowledge that the path intended for me didn't include my dream, but it has included what I needed. I think I'm finally at a point, although it took many years, where I can understand and appreciate that path was never intended for me.
So, I will continue stitching my way through an understanding and taking my creative avenue one step at a time, while being thankful for the experiences that have come to pass and the path that may not have been what I would have initially taken, but one that I can see had made me who I am.
