Coming to terms

 Yesterday, sitting in my Bible study, something came to me that I think I have avoided acknowledging for the last 11 years.  

When I joined the Army, I scored high on the ASVAB, I had been a bank supervisor and been very detailed oriented.  When I started my journey in the Army, it was to be a Blackhawk pilot - a goal I had met every requirement for, but eyesight.  To this end, I had PRK in 2006.  Unfortunately for me, I deployed in what was supposed to be a year-long deployment in October 2006 while waiting for my year to pass to get my eyes signed off on.  That deployment extended to 15 months and capabilities to clear my vision weren't available downrange.  

While on that deployment, I fell from the side of a 60 while we were out on a passenger transfer.  I was knocked unconscious on the flight line for a number of minutes before being brought back to by the other crew chief shaking me.  I flew another two hours under Night Vision Goggles, feeling like I was in and out of awareness, before landing for the night.  When I went to get out of the aircraft, my legs collapsed.  The pilots sensing something hadn't been right through the flight, immediately had me to taken to the med clinic.  

The next few years involved a lot of testing, another deployment and an eventual medical retirement from the Army.  I struggled through this time, more than probably anyone knows.  My mind didn't work like it was supposed to, my ability to process and retain information was gone.  Who I was as a whole had changed.  My patience was minimal, my thought process seemed to work on a different frequency, things I knew I questioned myself on.  

Back to yesterday...  In August 2007, something changed, something I don't think I ever fully acknowledged - I didn't become less capable or less intelligent - it was simply like my primarily left-brained being had flipped a switch to right-brain functioning.  For years, this has been an ongoing struggle... for years, I didn't understand why all the detail information had been so simple before and now even remembering a simple conversation seemed impossible.  

Today, I have found a kind of purpose in the creative avenue.  Is there part of me that still longs to take a flight at the controls of a helicopter one day? I would be lying if I said I don't still think about it daily.  But it's part of who I was...  a time before my family was really built, a time before I became a mom, a time before I found that a creative avenue could still be a successful avenue for me.  

It took over eleven years to finally vocally acknowledge that the path intended for me didn't include my dream, but it has included what I needed.  I think I'm finally at a point, although it took many years, where I can understand and appreciate that path was never intended for me.  

So, I will continue stitching my way through an understanding and taking my creative avenue one step at a time, while being thankful for the experiences that have come to pass and the path that may not have been what I would have initially taken, but one that I can see had made me who I am.  

Red flag warnings

 

    Over the course of the last couple weeks, we've seen the memes pop up about the Blackhawk incident in Temple or the Chinook with the 'folded' blade and we can all get a good laugh about it.  (Images from UH-60 Black Hawk Drivers on FB)

     The fact is that making humor out of serious subjects is something service members excel at, if for nothing else than just simply to cope.  Military life is heavy and something has to lighten it up if you're going to survive it.

    But there's something else that should be a red flag in all of this...  when we start seeing aviation mishaps, it's a time for commanders to re-evaluate their units and their abilities in the aircraft.  While I may no longer wear a uniform, the trends of pushing individuals to be Pilot-in-commands and progress faster in their training than their really prepared for.  As the crewmember numbers have dwindled, the pressure to progress individuals faster than they are prepared for has become almost a necessity to keep up with the needs of the military.  There's huge issues with this though - to include the fact that individuals that are not prepared for emergency situations are pushed into them.  

    While optempo and making mission is a priority, doing so at the cost of service members is not only irrational and irresponsible, but simply reprehensible.  So I'm asking, before you sign off on that next PC or send that next flight out just to make the hours for the week, that you pause and think of what you will tell the families of those crew members if something should happen. Because five families recently received that dreaded knock and someone will have to answer to the decisions that were made that led to that moment in time.  We've lost too many over things that could have been prevented if someone had the courage to put their foot down.  

https://www.military.com/daily-news/2022/06/06/2-injured-military-helicopter-crash-southern-alabama.html

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-06-09/second-military-aircraft-goes-down-in-imperial-county-authorities-confirm 

Transition

     Over the years, a lot of my identity came within my time in service.  This wasn't just a pride thing, but a matter of the space and time where life just changed.  

    When I joined the Army, I had grand plans of becoming a helicopter pilot.  My time in the Army turned out much differently than planned.  I injured my back and my head during deployment before I had been cleared from my eye surgery that I needed to qualify as a pilot.  The injury was just one part of the unplanned path.  There would be violations of trust, overreaches of authority, challenges that would take longer than expected to overcome and in much of that pain I found both my identity and the loss of the identity I'd had before.  

    This is where I think many veterans have a challenge letting go.  When we joined the military, we did for a hundred different reasons, but no matter how long your time in the military lasts - it drastically changes you.  Some will walk away from the military and never want to look back, others will find that everything they are now is wrapped up in their time in service.  

    So much of everything that is now who I am is the result of many different situations, but at the tip of that is the military.  As time has gone on and I have had my time minimized by others, including a lady who retired from the reserves and told me that my medical retirement wasn't a real retirement or the multiple times I've had someone made remarks about my DV tags because they assume they are my husband's.  

    I've hit a point in life where I'm tired of living up to some standard of what people think I should be.  So while this will still have some points in which my military time will be relevant or my still current time as a military spouse will be mentioned, moving forward the topics will be much more focused on where I am at this point in time and the path that God has me own.  I hope you might stay along for this journey and see the messy days that sometimes comes in life.