We are currently in world breastfeeding week. To an extent, I dread it. It's not that I have an issue with nursing your child, because it's actually quite the opposite. It's more of seeing the pictures pop up of women nursing their children brings up bad feelings.
I nursed my oldest until he was a little over six months old and the first few times I gave him formula, I cried. I felt like I was failing him, I felt guilty because the reason for transitioning him was because of me, not him. The wear and tear a perfectly healthy body takes during a pregnancy, delivery and within that first year after a child is delivered is painful and exhausting. Then if you factor in a pre-existing back injury and severe issues with migraines and vision loss, you have a bad equation.
Both of my boys were worth every last minute of that pain, but that doesn't negate that I'm constantly in pain. By the time my oldest was six months old, the back pain and migraines had elevated so severely that I was having regular blackout spells and issues functioning on daily tasks. After seeing the required specialists, they gave me an option - either I continued nursing my son and that was pretty much all I was going to be able to do for him OR I started taking the necessary pain medicine to control the pain to where I could be part of everything else in his life.
I still continued trying to a while and the issues continued to get worse, then finally that day came that I popped open that container and mixed the powder and water together. As I sat there rocking him and watching his suck on the bottle, tears started to flow. I felt like I shouldn't be so selfish, like I should try to just deal with the pain to give him that little boost. After a long round discussion with my husband and a lot of tears, we finally decided that this was the best route to go. So I started the pain meds and the pain started subsiding, but each time I filled up that bottle, those feelings resurfaced and I struggled with not putting the meds back up in the cabinet and leaving them there.
When my oldest was just under 18 months old, my youngest was born. Once again with a lot of stubbornness and determination, I decided I was going to breastfeed him until he was at least as old as my oldest had been when I had stopped nursing.
Then life kicked in. My back was in much worse shape then it had been after my first pregnancy, I had barely pushed through the pregnancy itself and now was struggling through daily tasks again. Then before he was in a week old, mastitis kicked in and I was sitting in the ER in so much pain. My little guy wasn't getting enough milk while the infection cleared up and formula came into play. After that had cleared up, we battled two rounds of thrush.
Each hurdle caused decreases in milk production. Every day, the pain increased and I came back to the same decision I was faced with for my oldest. After a lot of talking with my husband, he gave me the support I needed to come to terms with a decision I was having trouble making, once again. Now I have an almost two year old and a five month old, one started on formula at six months, one was just a little over a week old before it was introduced.
As I look back, I still get emotional about going the route I went, but I know that I have been able to be more a part of their lives than I would have if I had gone the other route. I still know that breast is best, but sometimes another route is taken for very valid reasons that may not be known to every person that sees them pouring that powder for their child. It was hard enough for me to deal with the decision and the route I took, without constantly feeling like there is judgement from others.
I guess the reason I'm sharing all of this is because I support those that are able to breastfeed, but please don't think less of me as a mother because I've shifted to the formula route, because for us it was the best route.
