Tonight, I started a downward spiral and am currently 'self-medicating' with ice cream and wine. Most days I throw myself into homeschooling my kids and my work that I move through days relatively smoothly, but my birthday is this week. And no, this isn't a 'I'm getting old' post... I've never had a problem with my age or where I fall in the realm of aging. My birthday brings up a whole realm of emotions for other reasons.
I'll be 41 this week... twenty years ago was my 21st birthday and the weekend I was raped. The moment when it felt like things went into an out of control spiral that I feel like I've been trying to correct ever since. I was raped by someone I had known for years, someone I trusted and someone who I found used that trust to take advantage of people around him. But I wasn't the first...
After that weekend, I 'unofficially' moved back to my parents' house because staying in my apartment by myself was more than I could handle. I spent hours at the hospital, then at the police station, then dealt with the being fired, because I worked for his dad, then hours in court and therapy. And that wasn't the end of it.... given that we had many mutual friends, my support circle quickly dwindled to just a few. But I spoke up....
Over the course of the next year, I would spend more time intoxicated than I can even begin to try to remember, I drank the memories away. I couldn't sleep at night because the memories would constantly flash back, so I drank until I passed out. Often I would show up work still drunk, not even to the hungover stage. My boss could have very easily fired me, but she didn't, she worked to try to help. She didn't cover things up, she pushed me to continue my therapy and continue moving forward.
About six months later, I ran into him again at a local bar. I was still trying to deal things mostly independently. A bartender friend of mine called the police and reported his probation violation. He would be on house arrest for the next few weeks, making the comment the day everything was disconnected that 'he was going to take care of the bitch that put him in this position'. Less than two weeks later, I rolled my car 3.5 times, which they determined was due to tampering. But I walked away...
During this time, I allowed myself to get lost in drinking and meaningless hookups - lost in a mix of trying to numb everything and trying to feel something.
When I did finally start dating someone again, I thought I chose someone safe - he was older, divorced, had kids. But I found he was just as dangerous. He would put me in the hospital and I would end up in jail before all was said and done, because I scratched him when he was strangling me.
Fast foward, I would join the Army, deploy twice, be assaulted and harassed by multiple individuals senior ranking to me, get hurt during a mission and be medically retired. A medical retirement which wasn't what I wanted, but what was needed and the date that happened to fall on my birthday.
So hear we are, the weekend prior to my birthday - looking back on twenty years since someone took something that I can't get back, something that started a path that lead me in a destructive direction and could have very easily been the end of me, but it wasn't. It took awhile, a long while. I let myself be taken advantage of, I abused myself, I allowed others to abuse me, I didn't value who I was.
Today, things are different. I still mourn that person I was, the carefree person who saw the good in everyone. But today I'm different, I grew because of the path I was put on and I think that a large part of the reason that I try to contribute within my community is because I know what it's like to be treated like you're worthless - and no one should ever feel that way. We each have a choice in the situations we find ourselves in, we can blame others and continue in a path of self-destruction OR we can take the bumps and bruises along the way for what they are, lessons to prepare for future bumps in the road.
Is tonight a moment of weakness? Yes, but I don't live in this moment. Occasionally, that trauma rears it's ugly head and I likely won't sleep much for the next couple days. But then it will pass for the time being and I will continue moving forward with my life, my family, all the things that matter now.
That trauma is forever a part of who I am, but it's just that - a PART... it's not who I am. We each have a choice in dealing with our past. It will forever be a PART of who we are, but it doesn't have to be our identity. I'm a rape survivor, a domestic violence surviver, been arrested, an MST (military sexual trauma) surviver - but I'm also a veteran, a wife, a mom, a small business owner and a contributing member of my community.
I will continue to grow, but I will have my hiccups and moments where things are more overwhelming, but we can't live in those moments.
