The danger in getting involved

 Since we moved to the Fort Carson area, I have mostly kept my distance from family groups and just getting involved in general in anything that required lots of human interaction.  After years of volunteering, I honestly was tired and worn out.  

I still volunteered but it was a little more distant and intentionally staying disconnected from the elements where I volunteered.  Then nine months ago I was asked by a friend from church to make a key fob in memory of a fallen K9 for her daughter, who is a deputy in the local sheriffs department.

It wasn't long before I was receiving more messages about those fobs, as well as a little bit of a startle when another deputy messaged my business page asking for me to call him.  As a friend of the handler of the fallen K9, this deputy was verifying the intentions behind the unintentional fundraiser.  

Fast forward and in the last nine months, I've found myself connected to our local officers in a different way than I ever have been.  From being invited into a group for local law enforcement families to getting to know some of the officers and families, I have seen a glimpse into the lives of those who wear the badge and the families that stand behind them.  

In that same time frame, our community has seen the loss of K9 Jinx, Deputy Andrew Peery and just this week, Officer Julian Becerra.  The community has mourned these losses for the community servants and heroes that they were, but as the outside community - we can sympathize for that Blue Line family, but we will never fully understand the pain they endure in those losses.

This is much the same as the outside viewpoint of the military life, but the difference is that these individuals sacrificed right here in the communities where their families live.  As the events for each of these losses have unfolded, I see those interviewed on the news, those who had an interaction with that individual, but on the backside - it's different.  

The fact is that nine months ago, I should have just stitched some things and moved on, but I had a door opened to a community that I have seen the true blue meaning of family, the joy in the everyday, the pain of not feeling a community supporting you even when you send your loved one out to protect it everyday, the heart of endless caring this 'family' has and heartbreaking devastation of losing someone. 

Today my boys and I wore blue, today we sat behind a police cruiser that's a temporary memorial outside our community police station and we prayed and we cried for an officer gone too soon and a 'family' who is hurting.  I guess my point in all this, is that getting involved is dangerous, being connected means putting yourself out there, but it also means seeing who people are behind an overarching umbrella of a job position.  

Ice cream and wine

    Tonight, I started a downward spiral and am currently 'self-medicating' with ice cream and wine.  Most days I throw myself into homeschooling my kids and my work that I move through days relatively smoothly, but my birthday is this week.  And no, this isn't a 'I'm getting old' post...  I've never had a problem with my age or where I fall in the realm of aging.  My birthday brings up a whole realm of emotions for other reasons.  

    I'll be 41 this week...  twenty years ago was my 21st birthday and the weekend I was raped.  The moment when it felt like things went into an out of control spiral that I feel like I've been trying to correct ever since.  I was raped by someone I had known for years, someone I trusted and someone who I found used that trust to take advantage of people around him.  But I wasn't the first...

 

  After that weekend, I 'unofficially' moved back to my parents' house because staying in my apartment by myself was more than I could handle.  I spent hours at the hospital, then at the police station, then dealt with the being fired, because I worked for his dad, then hours in court and therapy.  And that wasn't the end of it....  given that we had many mutual friends, my support circle quickly dwindled to just a few.  But I spoke up....

    Over the course of the next year, I would spend more time intoxicated than I can even begin to try to remember, I drank the memories away.  I couldn't sleep at night because the memories would constantly flash back, so I drank until I passed out.  Often I would show up work still drunk, not even to the hungover stage.  My boss could have very easily fired me, but she didn't, she worked to try to help.  She didn't cover things up, she pushed me to continue my therapy and continue moving forward.  

    About six months later, I ran into him again at a local bar.  I was still trying to deal things mostly independently.  A bartender friend of mine called the police and reported his probation violation.  He would be on house arrest for the next few weeks, making the comment the day everything was disconnected that 'he was going to take care of the bitch that put him in this position'.  Less than two weeks later, I rolled my car 3.5 times, which they determined was due to tampering.  But I walked away...

    During this time, I allowed myself to get lost in drinking and meaningless hookups - lost in a mix of trying to numb everything and trying to feel something.  

    When I did finally start dating someone again, I thought I chose someone safe - he was older, divorced, had kids.  But I found he was just as dangerous.  He would put me in the hospital and I would end up in jail before all was said and done, because I scratched him when he was strangling me.  

    Fast foward, I would join the Army, deploy twice, be assaulted and harassed by multiple individuals senior ranking to me, get hurt during a mission and be medically retired.  A medical retirement which wasn't what I wanted, but what was needed and the date that happened to fall on my birthday.  

    So hear we are, the weekend prior to my birthday - looking back on twenty years since someone took something that I can't get back, something that started a path that lead me in a destructive direction and could have very easily been the end of me, but it wasn't.  It took awhile, a long while.  I let myself be taken advantage of, I abused myself, I allowed others to abuse me, I didn't value who I was.  

    Today, things are different.  I still mourn that person I was, the carefree person who saw the good in everyone.  But today I'm different, I grew because of the path I was put on and I think that a large part of the reason that I try to contribute within my community is because I know what it's like to be treated like you're worthless - and no one should ever feel that way.  We each have a choice in the situations we find ourselves in, we can blame others and continue in a path of self-destruction OR we can take the bumps and bruises along the way for what they are, lessons to prepare for future bumps in the road.  

    Is tonight a moment of weakness? Yes, but I don't live in this moment.  Occasionally, that trauma rears it's ugly head and I likely won't sleep much for the next couple days.  But then it will pass for the time being and I will continue moving forward with my life, my family, all the things that matter now.  

    That trauma is forever a part of who I am, but it's just that - a PART...  it's not who I am.  We each have a choice in dealing with our past.  It will forever be a PART of who we are, but it doesn't have to be our identity.  I'm a rape survivor, a domestic violence surviver, been arrested, an MST (military sexual trauma) surviver  - but I'm also a veteran, a wife, a mom, a small business owner and a contributing member of my community.  

    I will continue to grow, but I will have my hiccups and moments where things are more overwhelming, but we can't live in those moments.

Coming to terms

 Yesterday, sitting in my Bible study, something came to me that I think I have avoided acknowledging for the last 11 years.  

When I joined the Army, I scored high on the ASVAB, I had been a bank supervisor and been very detailed oriented.  When I started my journey in the Army, it was to be a Blackhawk pilot - a goal I had met every requirement for, but eyesight.  To this end, I had PRK in 2006.  Unfortunately for me, I deployed in what was supposed to be a year-long deployment in October 2006 while waiting for my year to pass to get my eyes signed off on.  That deployment extended to 15 months and capabilities to clear my vision weren't available downrange.  

While on that deployment, I fell from the side of a 60 while we were out on a passenger transfer.  I was knocked unconscious on the flight line for a number of minutes before being brought back to by the other crew chief shaking me.  I flew another two hours under Night Vision Goggles, feeling like I was in and out of awareness, before landing for the night.  When I went to get out of the aircraft, my legs collapsed.  The pilots sensing something hadn't been right through the flight, immediately had me to taken to the med clinic.  

The next few years involved a lot of testing, another deployment and an eventual medical retirement from the Army.  I struggled through this time, more than probably anyone knows.  My mind didn't work like it was supposed to, my ability to process and retain information was gone.  Who I was as a whole had changed.  My patience was minimal, my thought process seemed to work on a different frequency, things I knew I questioned myself on.  

Back to yesterday...  In August 2007, something changed, something I don't think I ever fully acknowledged - I didn't become less capable or less intelligent - it was simply like my primarily left-brained being had flipped a switch to right-brain functioning.  For years, this has been an ongoing struggle... for years, I didn't understand why all the detail information had been so simple before and now even remembering a simple conversation seemed impossible.  

Today, I have found a kind of purpose in the creative avenue.  Is there part of me that still longs to take a flight at the controls of a helicopter one day? I would be lying if I said I don't still think about it daily.  But it's part of who I was...  a time before my family was really built, a time before I became a mom, a time before I found that a creative avenue could still be a successful avenue for me.  

It took over eleven years to finally vocally acknowledge that the path intended for me didn't include my dream, but it has included what I needed.  I think I'm finally at a point, although it took many years, where I can understand and appreciate that path was never intended for me.  

So, I will continue stitching my way through an understanding and taking my creative avenue one step at a time, while being thankful for the experiences that have come to pass and the path that may not have been what I would have initially taken, but one that I can see had made me who I am.  

Red flag warnings

 

    Over the course of the last couple weeks, we've seen the memes pop up about the Blackhawk incident in Temple or the Chinook with the 'folded' blade and we can all get a good laugh about it.  (Images from UH-60 Black Hawk Drivers on FB)

     The fact is that making humor out of serious subjects is something service members excel at, if for nothing else than just simply to cope.  Military life is heavy and something has to lighten it up if you're going to survive it.

    But there's something else that should be a red flag in all of this...  when we start seeing aviation mishaps, it's a time for commanders to re-evaluate their units and their abilities in the aircraft.  While I may no longer wear a uniform, the trends of pushing individuals to be Pilot-in-commands and progress faster in their training than their really prepared for.  As the crewmember numbers have dwindled, the pressure to progress individuals faster than they are prepared for has become almost a necessity to keep up with the needs of the military.  There's huge issues with this though - to include the fact that individuals that are not prepared for emergency situations are pushed into them.  

    While optempo and making mission is a priority, doing so at the cost of service members is not only irrational and irresponsible, but simply reprehensible.  So I'm asking, before you sign off on that next PC or send that next flight out just to make the hours for the week, that you pause and think of what you will tell the families of those crew members if something should happen. Because five families recently received that dreaded knock and someone will have to answer to the decisions that were made that led to that moment in time.  We've lost too many over things that could have been prevented if someone had the courage to put their foot down.  

https://www.military.com/daily-news/2022/06/06/2-injured-military-helicopter-crash-southern-alabama.html

https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-06-09/second-military-aircraft-goes-down-in-imperial-county-authorities-confirm 

Transition

     Over the years, a lot of my identity came within my time in service.  This wasn't just a pride thing, but a matter of the space and time where life just changed.  

    When I joined the Army, I had grand plans of becoming a helicopter pilot.  My time in the Army turned out much differently than planned.  I injured my back and my head during deployment before I had been cleared from my eye surgery that I needed to qualify as a pilot.  The injury was just one part of the unplanned path.  There would be violations of trust, overreaches of authority, challenges that would take longer than expected to overcome and in much of that pain I found both my identity and the loss of the identity I'd had before.  

    This is where I think many veterans have a challenge letting go.  When we joined the military, we did for a hundred different reasons, but no matter how long your time in the military lasts - it drastically changes you.  Some will walk away from the military and never want to look back, others will find that everything they are now is wrapped up in their time in service.  

    So much of everything that is now who I am is the result of many different situations, but at the tip of that is the military.  As time has gone on and I have had my time minimized by others, including a lady who retired from the reserves and told me that my medical retirement wasn't a real retirement or the multiple times I've had someone made remarks about my DV tags because they assume they are my husband's.  

    I've hit a point in life where I'm tired of living up to some standard of what people think I should be.  So while this will still have some points in which my military time will be relevant or my still current time as a military spouse will be mentioned, moving forward the topics will be much more focused on where I am at this point in time and the path that God has me own.  I hope you might stay along for this journey and see the messy days that sometimes comes in life.

20 years

As I sit here and try to find the right 'lesson' for my boys to describe this week, everything just seems minimal.  

Do you remember where you were that day?  I was working at a bank where we didn't have access to internet use during work.  After calling loan servicing for a customer, Jeff on the other end stopped and said there was an attack.  I completed my call with the customer and stepped over to the snack shop near by just in time to see the second plane hit the twin towers.  In the days that came, so much was uncovered...  All of a sudden, we weren't as safe as we believed we were.  The military was called up and deployments began.  

This was all distant to me.  One of my cousins was on the initial invasion, but outside of that, I was disconnected to all of it.  It would take a couple of years and the loss of a few people I knew - 1 in Afghanistan and 1 in Iraq, before it became my life.  

So here we are 20 years later and what to show.  Iraq isn't stable, Afghanistan definitely isn't, but Bin Laden was taken care of.  Politicians pretend to know what's going on, veterans who have been there know all too well.  

People as a whole want to have an opinion on the matter...  'we shouldn't have been there', 'we should have done this or that'...  it's like watching a football game where you have all kinds of thoughts on what the coach should have done, but that's not what happened.  

Here's what I know...  20 years ago we went to war, recently that 'ended' in a disaster.  I only served for six years before being medically retired - my husband is on year 16 of active service. Between the two of us, we have seven deployments under our belts.  We've missed holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, funerals....  as life went on back here when we weren't there.  

Halfway into this timeframe, our first child was born.  9/11 is a piece of history for them.  They may never know how deep it runs within us because it's not 'real' for them.  While they live the sacrifice of the reprecussions, the event itself is no different to them than significant events that happened before I was born.  

So how do you realistically connect their current life and our challenges?  The simple answer is you don't.  Our history isn't theirs, the perception they have based on the life they have lived thus far will change their view of the reality they have.  

Our boys will forever have a piece of war placed on them, not because they have been there firsthand, but because both of their parents have lived it and struggled somedays with dealing with the realities of it.  For our boys, 9/11 is a part of history, but the war that followed was front and center.  

The lesson for the 20th anniversary of 9/11 may be a minor disaster as I struggle to even try to word one complete thought from that day, but the struggles of the in between aren't lost to our boys even though they aren't old enough to have been around.   

My truth

Being a female soldier isn't all it's cracked up to be, in fact you're lucky to get out of it without some type of scars.

It seemed simple, join the military and you could have a chance at proving yourself outside of some gender stereotype.  In basic training, at least one of the drill sergeants was sleeping with a female soldier in our company.  When we got to AIT and she threatened to expose what he was doing to the trainees, she ended up going AWOL for fear of repercussions.  AIT wasn't much different, a supply NCO who took advantage of the female soldiers in training because of rank and position and using it against them.  When a female soldier was raped in AIT, I was there...  the soldier was another AIT soldier whose family was well off and it somehow disappeared.  The female soldier who cut her wrists and left a trail of blood through our barracks.  The female soldier who ran her car into one of the barriers...  This is the initial training that female soldiers live and then they get to their first unit.

Fort Hood was a nightmare.  It started with a unit not fully formed and unit leadership that seemed to be half-assed.  A captain that thought it was acceptable to put his fingers in places they didn't belong and then tried to further it.  I was only a PFC, then again so was another soldier that disappeared not that long ago from Fort Hood.  No investigations were launched because I didn't speak up.  During deployment, two other captains and a SFC spent a little too much time following my activities, but even when mentioned to my senior NCOs, it was laughed off as a joke and ended there.  After 15 months, we came back home.

Then it was AIT again to reclass.  Somehow I thought if I got away from other female soldiers, I would be seen as less of one.  Instead I ended up being physically assaulted by another soldier, one who was supposed to be a friend.  During the time at AIT, the MSG and CSM who were supposed to be my senior leadership at Fort Hood insisted on ongoing threats if I continued to try to get transferred out of the unit to be with my husband who was now stationed in Germany.

Germany was my hope at a new start...  only to be my downfall.  Before I even fully got into the unit there were two SSGs that had a target on me.  Everyday was living with berating and belittling about how I was never going to be good enough.  I was a new soldier to the MOS and doing my best to learn, but nothing was ever good enough for these two.  When deployment came, there was points I couldn't work on aircraft because of the pain meds for my back and one particular SSG would come up just to put me down in front of my soldiers.  When I tried to explain I couldn't touch the aircraft because of the meds I was on, he would lock me up in front of my soldiers and yell and scream at me.

Then I was sent back early....  it was enough for me to be on pain meds, but that wasn't a good enough reason for me to not work on the aircraft accordingly to some SSGs.  Had I worked on those aircraft and something happened, those lives would have rested on me.  I spent ten days at Landstuhl before heading back to my home unit.

Rear detachment 1SG would be my next step.  With taking care of soldiers on rear D, came the soldiers who came back early to ETS.  A friend of my husband and I's got in a bad situation one night after he came back from deployment early to prepare for ETS.  After picking him up, he took advantage of the situation and apparently long suppressed feelings and after attempting to sexually assault me, I kicked him out.

By that point in time, my MEB had started for my back and head injury from my first deployment.  Even though my command was supportive of keeping me in, I was broken and just done fighting.  I was done trying...

Being a female soldier seems grand, but at what cost...  I spent six years trying to prove myself to people that didn't deserve it.  I lost more than just my back and head in the process of service, I lost my ability to sleep soundly and to not feel like someone was always watching me.  I lost my ability to be me and it's taken a long time to get back to that somewhat.   I guess I fight to be seen as a veteran because it goes so far beyond the time in uniform or the deployments, it's still the 'right' that some think rank gives them and the uphill battle that we are still fighting to be seen as equals.

Spouse and Veteran

In my former life...  my days as a soldier, I never really thought about what not being a soldier would be like.

Now, it's been over six years since I've worn a uniform and there's days I still feel like I fell off a ride somewhere.

I was a soldier before I was a military spouse and at times I find a challenge in not identifying as both.  Dual military lasted a little over three years for us before the Army decided I was too broke to continue serving.

My time now is spent mostly volunteering and within that dynamic I've found a lot of other spouses like me.  The Veteran and Spouse.  Somewhere along the way the 'and' seems to disappear and you lose something you worked hard for.

I have been a spouse longer than I was a soldier, but that doesn't negate that part of my history.  But whenever you go to fill out anything for the military, you have to choose...  will you click the circle with spouse or the circle with veteran.  You have to choose between two parts of who you are.

When I go to the doctors office or the commissary or anywhere else on post, they see my tan ID card - my dependent ID card.  They see a spouse who is doing the best she can with everything else that is going on.  They don't see the veteran, the person who wore their own uniform.

I'm proud to be a military spouse and the silent ranks in which we all serve.  But I'm also proud that I understand my husband's job in a different way because I've been there.

A state of naivety

This month is focused on honoring military children.  Today specifically was a day to wear purple to show support.  As I think about the path we find ourselves in, I think of the lack of understanding and just lack of knowledge that our boys will come along.  

I think about myself as a child and how naive I was to the whole aspect of the military lifestyle.  We lived near an Air Force Base, but it was a relatively small one and represented a small part of the population of our town.  My best friend was an Air Force brat, but I didn't really think about that being a part of who she was.  I knew she had moved in a couple years before, but outside of that I didn't see anything different.  Then a month or so after everything was over with Operation: Desert Storm, her dad came in to talk to our class about his deployment.  We had all heard about what took place, but it didn't really hit home.  It was something so far away, something that didn't affect us.  My friend had acted a little weird and mentioned that her dad had to be gone for a little bit, but a direct connection wasn't made...  I was completely naive.

 

Although I can never put myself in the position of a military child, I know that my boys will cross other kids who were like I was, other kids who are naive about what being a military child means.  For my boys and so many others, it means many missed birthdays and holidays, it means not getting to talk to daddy for days, if not weeks, it means saying goodbye a lot more often than they ever would like to - I could go on for days.  

Looking back now, knowing the challenges that have taken place and that will continue to come for the boys, I know that there were so many other things I could have done to be a support to my friend. I also hope that as this road continues and we find ourselves moving around and continuing to have the regular separations that the children our boys come across will do better about taking the time to understand.

Semi-charmed life

Earlier tonight, as I was going through the seemingly endless process of unpacking, I thought of this life in general.  It's very easy to focus on the negative.  I know I have had some of those feelings the last few weeks.  Our household goods arrived less than 12 hours before my husband reported before WOCs, that meant for the next month and a half I was going to be trying to keep our two young boys entertained, trying to keep from overdoing it with my back and making an ongoing attempt to unpack.  Obviously it's not the ideal situation, but we make it work.

All of that being said, I can't count the number of times I've heard the comment 'I don't know how you do it'.  The answer to that is simple, yet complicated.  Almost as many times as I've heard that comment I've also heard the comment of 'oh, you've been able to travel to so many places'.

Here's the breakdown of things.  This is a difficult life, BUT there is so many things that make it worth it... So here we go:

1. We love our soldier
2. The long waits are worth the kiss and embrace when they are home
3. The wait sucks, but it gives us a chance to show that although the Army calls us dependents that we are completely independent.
4. On the same note of the wait sucks - I have an ongoing list of things I enjoy doing that tends to get pushed to the side when my husband is home.  I'm not trying to push him out the door by any means, but if he has to be gone, I might as well make the best of situation.
5. We live in more places than most people will ever travel.  We have the opportunity to discover different states of even different countries because we are there for at least a year or two.
6. If you aren't a fan of your neighbor, chances are they will be moving sooner than later.
7. We have the pleasure to truly cherish the moments we are together.  It's easy to take someone for granted when they are there for every day or for every holiday.  We don't have that stability, so when they are here, we make the most of them.
8. We raise some pretty darn amazing kids.  Before we had kids, I watched some other military children and was just amazed at the people they were.
9. Long term friends are made in weeks, not in years.  When you go through rough times together, you tend to build that relationship much more quickly.
10.  Same friend will take your child(ren) at the drop of a hat, whether it's for a last minute appointment, when you just need a little bit of a break or when your water breaks sooner than expected and you find yourself rushing to the hospital in labor at 4am.
11. There is no spring cleaning, there is the PCS purge and the he's coming home, hurry and clean.
12.  'Keep in touch' has a very different meaning, it's in Skype calls and random texts here and there.  It doesn't matter where you have moved or how long since you have talked.
13.  We understand making the most of a situation.  That darn deployment gnome always shows up at the worst time - the lawn mover quits working, you run out of propane, your car breaks down, one child had lice/poison ivy/chicken pox or any combination of the above and you have them quantized to prevent the other child(ren) from getting them.  We know how to change a tire and change the oil.  We know how to knit and fire a weapon.
14. We have fellow spouses and their soldier who make sure we are taken care of when our husband is gone, because they know the same will be gone for their spouse when the situation is reversed.
15.  EVERYTHING and I mean EVE-RY-THING has a regulation.  There is something in black and white print that explains anything you could ever have any questions about.
16.  The saying 'the bad times make the good times better' is a daily part of our life.
17.  We love our soldier!

For me, I never thought I would find myself married to a soldier.  I NEVER thought I would meet him in Iraq.  But six years into our marriage and we are finally getting to that point in that time that we have been together at least half of it.  Sure this life comes with challenges, but it also comes with great rewards, rewards we wouldn't get with any other path.

I'm just me

I'm a veteran, but:

To the VA, I'm one of thousands upon thousands of veterans.

To the Army, I was a rank among many ranks, a MOS among over 200 MOSs.

To soldiers, I was their NCO, their soldier or their co-worker.  Some liked me, some didn't.

I'm not going to be someone who there are books written about.  

I'm not someone who was recognized for being awarded a high award.

I'm not someone who stuck out in a sea of uniforms.

I'm proud of my time in uniform.  I'm proud of the missions that I was apart of, the deployments, to have worked with a number of soldiers I have the utmost respect for. 

I'm a military spouse, but: 

To the Army, I'm another dependent.

To the volunteer side of things, I'm another volunteer among many.

To my fellow Army wives, I'm another of many they will cross in their time as a military spouse.  Some have liked me, some have not.

I'm not going to be someone recommended for Military Spouse of the Year.

I'm not someone who would be recognized in a crowd except by those who know me.

I'm proud of my time as a military spouse so far.  I'm proud of making it through the challenges that have been placed in front of me and in front of us as a family along the way.  I have met some of the most amazing spouses and made some wonderful friends.

I'm a wife who often feels like she doesn't get enough done...  who wishes there was more motivation to constantly be on top of the laundry and the cleaning and the dishes and having a dinner on the table every night that was healthy and tasty.  But, I have a husband who sees something very different and tells me on a regular basis. 

I'm a mother who often feels like I'm failing my boys... who wishes I was able to do more with them without pain, who sees other super creative and super motivated mothers and wish I had that in me.  A mother who didn't get so frustrated some times with boys simply being boys.  But, to my boys I'm someone who loves them unconditionally, who tries my hardest everyday to be creative, to be motivated, to find things they enjoy to do.

I'm just me, plain and simple.  I do my best to get up everyday and look forward.  I do my best to take the time I am given to make the most of it.  I simply try to do my best.  To many, that won't ever matter to them, but all I can hope is that to those who know me is that my best will matter to them.  

Someone to miss

Today is Valentine's Day, which I've found that those whose service members are deployed look at it much the same as someone who is single of that day.  They are beyond over the mushy, gushy expressions of love that are shown in so many shades of pink and red that it's not even worth counting.  But it's none the less another holiday.

I'm thankful to have my husband home this year, but like most years, it's a pretty normal day in our house.  As I was thinking of the holidays, birthdays, and other points of interest that he's been home for that he originally wasn't supposed to be home for, I started thinking of how the world is flipped sometimes.

Last year, he was home for Valentine's Day, but I watched from a distance as many friends celebrated alone because their soldier was deployed.  Next year when the spouses that are alone this year will have their soldier home another spouse will be spending theirs alone.  It's a constant cycle of swapping, for one soldier to be home, another will be away from there family.

It's really no different than the exciting time of a unit coming home, there are special outfits bought and homecoming signs made, a special night out planned, I could go on and on.  As one family is preparing to run into their soldiers arms, just a few weeks before another family was watching their soldier march with a formation out the door.

Back to my original thought process...  For many this is the first day of love that they are spending apart.  For others, missing holidays and other special days has become such a common thing that they have lost count of how many have been missed, but know that the number of missed is probably going to be higher than the number they are here for.

I remember back when as a single soldier, I went through those first round of missed special days.  My first Thanksgiving I missed was just two days into basic training.  My first missed birthday was spent hoping that no one caught on to it being my birthday because the drill sergeants seemed to get joy out of helping a soldier celebrate by smoking them until they threw up.

After our wedding, the first day we missed was my husband's birthday, just a couple months into being married, then the list grew from there.  As the missed events have increased and hit that balance where more are apart than together, we have learned a very important lesson.  In a population that has a very high divorce rate - it's not the holiday or the special event that's important, it's the fact that you have someone who is worth missing those days for.  Someone who is worth missing all the other days in between for.  Someone who is worth saying goodbye to because you know the hello will be so much sweeter.

A life known to few, but many

Those that wear this great countries uniform make up less than 1% of the general population.  Based on the average service member having parents, one sibling, a spouse and a child, that means that for every one of those 1%, there is five people that support that 1%.  That leaves at least 95% of the general population at this very moment that are not directly connected to the military at this very moment.  When you factor in veterans and military families from past conflicts, that number goes to maybe, MAYBE 80% that has never had military affiliation.  

Even now as we are some part of that smaller percentage, at one point in time we were part of that other 95% that didn't fully understand the reality of the military.  In 2006 when I was getting ready to deploy for the first time, I looked up to those soldiers who had been deployed before I had even initially enlisted.  When I got back in 2008, there was a whole new round of privates that looked to us as the seasoned veterans because we had been to the sandbox.  

When deployment came around again in 2009, those that were going into their first deployment looked to those who had been deployed before to tell them what to expect.  Those that had deployed before they had joined the Army.  

The same is true on the other side of the coin.  As the family of a service member, we are still a part of a very small minority of the general population.  A general population that will never understand what going through a deployment is like, but we have to take a moment and realize there was a point in time that we were a part of that general population as well.  Eight years ago, as my family was gearing up for my first deployment, there were families out there that would never be in that position, but there were also families that were heading into their second or third deployment.  

Those in the general population will never fully understand the military life.  They won't know what it's like to miss the birth of their first child or to miss birthday after birthday.  They won't know what it's like to have been married for a number of years and have spent over half of that apart.  Next week, my husband and I will have been married six years, of that, we have spent over half of it apart.  But that doesn't give us the right to look down on those who are missing their first round of holidays apart or to those who will never be in that position at all.  No different than those spouses who have done this for years before we were apart of this life can look down upon us.  Within that seasoned population, I think you will find a group of mature spouses, who have done this year in and year out.  They know how to make the best out of a less than perfect situation.  They do one simple thing, that's one of the hardest things to do, but it's done over and over again - they bloom where they are planted.  

No matter how you slice it or dice it - at least 80% of the general population will never walk in these boots or shoes or flip flips or whatever your footwear of choice is.  They are a population that will always be outside the snow globe we call military life and never really understand why we continue to live in a life that is always shook up and never lands quite the same.  But they will also never know the tears as our soldiers walk away or that first kiss that we have over and over again, the creative ways to celebrate those missed holidays or the ways we help our children get through the ups and downs.  Some of the strongest and bravest individuals I have ever met and I will ever know are those that I have stood next to in uniform, those that I now stand with in the silent ranks and those military brats who endure things in their short childhood that many outside the military won't experience in their whole life.  

There are always negatives that come with any path we choose.  There is never going to be a perfect life that doesn't have any problems, but we can choose to focus on what we are missing that others aren't or we can focus on the fact that we have someone so important in our life that they are worth missing.  

A simple call that made a huge difference

Recently, the helicopter crashes have brought back some memories from my first deployment that had been buried for awhile now.

There was two days our two sister Apache battalions each lost an aircraft and the crews aboard.

There was the day I was on the other end of the radio when one of our aircraft was shot down, thankfully our crew members were able to be pulled out by the other chalk and except for some minor injuries were okay.

There was the day thirteen months into a fifteen month deployment that chalk one called they were taking fire and broke right.  Our aircraft was flying a little tighter than normal and I remember seeing the top of chalk one's main rotor pass close underneath us.

Then there was the day, a little less than halfway through that deployment, that a simple call to climb by our Standardization Instructor (SI) kept our aircraft from having a dynamic rollover.  The other crew chief and I were on our last flight to continue our progression, our last task was sling loads.  Shortly after we had cleared the flight line, we heard a loud pop.  As we scanned what we could see of the aircraft from our seats, we weren't able to determine right away what was going on.  Then hydraulic fluid started flowing.  The original thought was that something had busted on the hydraulic deck.  The pilots called back to the tower and said we needed to do an emergency landing.  As the inertia reels were locked, we ensured we were prepared in the event the landing was a little harder than expected.  We were about three feet from touching down, when the SI called to 'climb, climb, climb'.  The pilots, who were confused, followed his direction.  Once they had gained a little altitude, the pilots asked what was going on.  The SI then explained that the hydraulic fluid wasn't coming from the hydraulic deck.  One of the main landing gear struts had been blown in half.  At that very moment, we knew that we had avoided a very dangerous situation.  That in the moment of that simple three words, serious injuries, if not worse were avoided that.  For those who have never seen the results of a dynamic rollover, I encourage you to take a moment and google the images.

A sense of entitlement

WARNING - Rant ahead...

I'm curious about something.  Where did this sense of entitlement come from?  I've seen it both on the soldier side and spouse side of things.  Deployments these days are easier than deployments were even a couple years ago.  That's not to say that there isn't still risks, but when FaceTime and Skype are a daily or weekly part of your life, then be thankful.

Lately, I've seen a lot of things and heard a lot of things about how four days need to be made up or how it sucks that leave has to be taken during block leave or how there are details that are being required of soldiers that suck.  Well, here's the reality - four days aren't made up, they never have been and there are a heck of a lot less four days in nine months than there are in twelve or fifteen months.  Not only that, up to a couple months prior to deployment you still had soldiers going TDY and missing those times at home.  When we were in Germany, our soldiers ran two constant training sites and were required to have a MEDEVAC crew at each location 51 weeks of the year.  There were only two MEDEVAC companies in all of Germany and one was always deployed, so that left the coverage to the unit that was pending their next deployment.  Those included four days missed and time missed with their family as they were gearing up for a deployment.

FaceTime and Skype...  I will be honest, last deployment I had no idea what those even were.  My husband had a cell phone, but 95% of the time he was in remote sites where there wasn't even signal for an Afghan cell phone.  So being able to Skype was something that wasn't happening.  Our main method of communication was the old pen and paper.  You deal with it and make the most of the situation.  Over times it was weeks before I got a letter and that was the only time I heard from my husband.  This deployment, having Skype was amazing.  But it was still something that was rare, I can count on one hand the number of times we Skyped in the five months he was gone.  He was on a regular rotation of being on MEDEVAC duty and didn't really have good internet access when he was living down on the flight line.  And yes, my husband came home early from deployment, but it was because we are moving to another location and that's after five deployments between us combined and now with him staying in, more deployments to come.

On the soldier side of things, leave isn't something that has to be granted.  It's not like in the civilian world where you turn in vacation time and that's it.  There is a couple different steps that leave form has to go through and it can be denied, whether it's because a soldier didn't pass a APFT (Army Physical Fitness Test), they are overweight or just because mission dictates that it's not feasible.  There is also a whole checklist required with that leave form and if any part of it is not complete or wrong, it will be kicked back.  Block leave is also something that is not required.  When I returned from my last deployment, I didn't get one day of leave.  When my husband returned from his last deployment, he didn't either and two months after he got back he was sent stateside for six weeks TDY.

Another thing that I heard recently that is irritating was that military spouses were talking down to a veteran because she just had her school being paid for handed to her.  I'm pretty sure that one, there is payments that come out the first year of service to pay into that.  Second, that comes with a lot of wear and tear to your body.  It also comes with being away from home, whether for temporary duty, training and/or deployment.  It's not just handed to a veteran.

I've also heard people complaining about details that a service member may be doing.  There is a lot of stuff that we didn't sign up to do.  I never signed up to police call someone else's cigarettes or clean a bathroom or drive random military vehicles or babysit junior soldiers or be a pee collector, but it's all part of the deal.  You take it for what it is and make the most of it.

Lastly, then I will be done.  The military health care system... it's not the best, but it is health care.  It's something that many people don't have or they pay a very large amount for it.  The people that have the right to complain about the lack of proper health care they have received is people like a friend of mine who is still in the hospital 18 months after his helicopter crashed in Afghanistan.  He was told he would never walk again, but after fighting an uphill battle not only with the injuries he sustained, but with a lack of those qualified to properly treat him.  Another example was my cousin, who was MEDEVACd out three times.  He sustained severe head injuries which has caused him issues with memories and a slew of other ongoing issues, yet when he was going through the MEB process, not only was he told he would never be able to go to school because he no longer had the mental capacity, but he was also denied a percentage of disability he should have been given.  This is an ongoing battle for veterans.  They have to fight for every little bit of compensation they are given and that's including through the VA.

My point - be thankful.  Be thankful for what you have. Be thankful that your soldier is in a position to only have to deal with the crappy details, so they don't have to be apart of the mess of war.  Be thankful your soldier is coming home in one piece, because many deal with the long team affects of those broken pieces whether it's a visible injury or one of the hidden injuries.  Be thankful your service member is coming home, because over 6000 families haven't had that chance.  Be thankful for the opportunity to be apart of this family we call the military, because many will never know the camaraderie that we have.  Be thankful for the times when your soldier is home, because you never know when they will have to leave again.  Be thankful for the times they are gone, because you are able to take on a new challenge and push yourself to limits you never thought possible.  Don't get me wrong, I have days I hate the Army, not only when my husband has to leave, but as a veteran, for the daily pain I deal with from my time in.  But we need to take a step back and realize that our situation isn't that bad.

I'm not better than you!

A couple months ago, I was asked by another spouse if I thought I was better than other spouses because I was prior service.  This question caught me off guard and has really bothered me, especially since the person that asked it was someone I thought knew me at least somewhat well.

My first initial response was no, I don't.  As I thought about it more over the last months and this question keeps popping back up in my mind, I was trying to think of how I would have given that perception.

I don't see myself as better than a spouse that hasn't served, it's simply different.  I've been not only on the side of having my soldier deployed through holidays and birthdays, gone TDY more than I can count, but I've been deployed, I've gone TDY more times than I can remember - it's simply a different experience.

Last deployment, after I was sent back I struggled with integrating with the other spouses.  I just didn't know how I fit in.  They had already had four months to get to know each other, to build their little support systems and now here I was…  I had been married to my soldier for a couple of years, but had never really seen myself as a spouse per say.  When I did finally get to know some of the spouses, I was awkward.  I felt like a spouse, I had gotten to know them and we had become friends, but I was still awkward.

I struggled with what could be said and what couldn't, what should and shouldn't be.  I didn't want to share more than what the soldier wanted shared.  I've struggled with that thought for a long time.  I couldn't ever figure out why I've had trouble sharing past military experiences with my family until someone hit the nail on the head - although they knew I was a soldier, I needed them to still continue to see me as their daughter, their sister, their spouse.  Some of the stories and experiences, I felt would alter that view.  This is the same reason why my husband and I don't share everything about missions we have been on.  It allows to still keep some things separate.  We both know the other is available whenever we need an ear, but it's all on our own time.  This is much the same for many service members on why their full story may not be shared.  It's not a matter of not wanting to share that part of their life, it's simply a matter of still needing to be seen as their role outside the military too.  With that being said, I didn't want to ruin that role for my fellow soldiers.  I had served with them forward and now I was waiting with their spouses in the rear… it was awkward.  I finally learned it was best to say nothing.

After I left the Army, I found myself full on in the role of a spouse… once again I was awkward.  Then from time to time, I would get an email from one of my former soldiers who was asking me for help on locating a regulation or what my experience was with certain situations at the time of separation.  Slowly those emails started dwindling, as many of them have separated the service now.

Then new emails started, new texts… this time from spouses.  They were trying to understand something and it just didn't make sense.  Or their soldier was TDY and they needed to figure out paperwork.  Then, the most recent was the heartbreaking moment of explaining the notification process to the mother of a soldier with the unit and a fellow spouse.  One was completely unfamiliar with the process, the other had received some incorrect information.  In situations like this, they are never my experiences…  I got straight to the regulations.  I ensure that the information that I'm forwarding on is the correct info.  I give the references.

You see - I don't think I'm better in any way, shape or form… I've simply had a different path previously to the path I'm currently on.  A path that helps me understand things in a different way or understand the random gibberish that seems to be the way that the Army feels is necessary to write their regulations.  I have walked in my husband's boots, as we have both been a part of an air assault unit and a medevac unit.  I have never walked on the lands of Afghanistan like he has, but I have in Iraq.  I know the look in his face when he comes back from a bad mission, which is why when he comes off duty and it's been a rough time, sometimes our Skype time has become a victim of Internet connection issues.  My husband have cleaned blood out of the back of the aircraft together and manned machine guns on the opposite side of the aircraft.

I live in an in-between world, where I find myself constantly in a state of being awkward.  A state where I miss being a soldier and even the realities of it that are sometimes painful, but where I also enjoy being able to stay home with my boys and supporting my husband.  A world where I'm so incredibly proud of my husband for being selected to flight school, but also where I look back and wonder what if I had ever been able to submit my packet, which had been my dream.

In most ways though, I'm no different from any other spouse who has changed their schools three times before they complete their degree.  Who has given up a career to follow the man they love.  Who takes a job at their current location that they are way beyond qualified for, but there isn't anything available in your field.  Who stays home and raises the kids.  Who picks up a side job or starts their own business, so they have something they can move with them the next time orders come down.

So, no I don't think I'm better than my fellow spouses.  My experiences from my 'past life' just carry forward into the here and now differently than what a lot of other's 'past life' does.  

The struggles within

I've debated on writing on this topic for awhile because of it being the happy holiday season, but then I reminded myself that this time of year is the hardest for those who suffer from depression.  I'm no different.  For the last number of years, I've had on and off issues with my PTSD.  Depression is one of many 'side effects'.

Most that see me out and about see a smile on my face.  I did the same thing when I was in the Army and my back was killing me, I did the best to keep a smile on my face and continue on.  This masking is no different for anyone who suffers from invisible wounds.  On a day to day basis, they attempt to function and act like everything is normal.

Then when they are away from others, the truth comes out, sometimes the tears, sometimes the hopeless thoughts or the feelings of being useless, the thoughts that something bad is going to happen or that yours or the life of a loved ones will be cut short.  The list goes on and on.

A little over a month ago, I finally came to terms with the fact that things were getting beyond my level of being able to cope with it myself.  I wasn't sleeping at night (which I'm still not doing great at since I'm awake at 4am writing this), I couldn't get some of the negative thoughts out of my head, even though my husband was most likely going to be coming home from deployment soon, all I could think about was the struggles that come with reintegration.  I was angry all the time, everything made me angry and to an extent, it still does.  I have to really talk myself through calming down.

When I had enough, I picked up the phone and called the VA.  This wasn't an easy call to make.  It was one that I had picked up the phone to make at least half a dozen times, but I finally did.  Not everyone makes that call.  It's not a matter of strength and weakness either, because some of those that have the strongest exteriors are the ones that are fighting the most within, while others are able to wear their fight on the outside.

I have learned that there are way too many taboo subjects, but the subjects that no one wants to talk about are the subjects that need the most openness.  I often times share my stories and struggles because someone out there might be reading this and might find that they aren't alone.  Sometimes simply finding out you aren't alone, can make a difference.

I started on meds about three weeks ago, the day after Thanksgiving.  I'm still weeks from being up to the dosage that's supposed to be effective for treatment, but it's a matter of taking things a day at a time. I've come to terms with yet another diagnosis that I thought I was stronger than, I've come to terms with the fact that it's okay to ask for help and I've come to terms with the fact that it doesn't have to be that dirty little secret.

As we head into these last few days before Christmas, I ask you to pray for those who may be struggling the most at this time of year, those who may be alone, those who need the blessings of Christmas more than anyone will know.

Our world

In the last few days, our military community and even smaller, within our aviation family has suffered a great loss.  When the news broke of a downed helicopter in Afghanistan… it was a quick blip and the it jumped to the next news story.  In that quick blip, our aviation world stopped.  Families anxiously sat at home waiting to see if they would hear that dreaded knock and they watched their phones to see if that weird unfamiliar number would pop up.

The rest of the world continued turning.  Those that were around these families have told them to go do something or to try to keep busy.  Even sometimes those closest to us don't understand.  They haven't been in our shoes, they haven't waited.

In the military, those service members aren't just co-workers, they become a part of each other's lives.  They are there with each other in the worst conditions and help each other get through the hardest times.  When they are home for the holidays, they open up their home to those other service members who may not be going home.  They support each other and have each other's backs.

On the other side of the world, their spouses do the same thing.  They become close friends in a much shorter time than you would see in the civilian world.  They share their most intimate moments of weakness and reach out just when it is needed.  They help make sense of the often less than understandable military and open their arms when their world is shattered.

Most are oblivious to the world that takes place within a military community.  It's a world that is often misunderstood, a sacrifice that is often forgotten, a weight that sometimes seems unmanageable to carry, but in the military this is the daily life.  What makes the difference is our soldiers and those they serve beside, on the home front it is the families and those that wait with them.

As our world has faced a horrible tragedy, we will mourn the loss of these precious lives, we will support those whose world were shattered and we will always remember that although this world can be difficult, we are not in it alone.

The decisions we make

Decisions… it's something we all deal with throughout the different seasons in life.  There are the decisions to take a job that would uproot your family or the decision on which college to attend, sometimes decisions that are as trivial as what will be for dinner.  Over the past nine years, I have found myself faced with some of the most difficult decisions I have made.  Those nine years encompass the military years, not only for myself as a soldier, but also to those as an Army wife.

I think the biggest decision I ever made that has most greatly affected my life and it's course was joining the Army.  If it hadn't been for that I probably wouldn't met my husband, I most likely would still be wearing glasses, I probably wouldn't deal with the pain and other frequent struggles, I probably never would have moved away from where I was originally from…  There's a lot of 'probably nevers'.

Since that big decision, there's been a lot of others along the way.  The decision to re-enlist.  The decision to marry a fellow soldier.  The decision to accept that the pain was getting worse and acknowledge that the Army deemed I no longer met medical standards to continue wearing the uniform.

The decision to start a family.  The decision to try to be stationed close to family.  The decision to be a start a home mom.  The decision for my husband to re-enlist, and re-enlist again.  The decision for him to pursue becoming a warrant officer.  The decision for him to accept his selection.

I could go on and on.  Some of these decisions were ones that were made that affected myself and myself alone, others were ones that we have made as a family.  The most recent major decision we made was for my husband to accept his selection to flight school.  This seemingly simple decision had so many short and long term affects on our family.

First, it meant a re-enlist that would take him to 14 years in the Army.  We had both decided years ago that if that magic number of ten years in the Army was hit by either of us, that we would stay in until retirement at 20 years.  So this single decision in itself committed our family to another 12 years of Army life.

Second, it meant a move…  a move away from the first home we purchased, the home we brought both of our boys home to after they were born, a home that's close to my side of the family.  In the long term, the move now is a chance for our kids to be closer to my husband's side of the family for a little while, for our boys and our nephews to see each other more often.  

Third, it meant a form of stability, in a sense.  Although, there will be moves along the way, new houses to decorate, new schools for the kids, probably more deployments, it also means that we are stable in the fact that the boys will never go without health care, they will always have a roof over their head, there will always be food on the table.

When we had sat down and looked over all the pros and cons, we decided for our family, although we know there will be some challenges ahead based on this decision, there would also be challenges if we decided to go the other route and him separate from the Army.

We have learned along the way that decisions aren't always easy.  Even something so joyous as becoming a parent can be met with challenges we never imagined we would face (and I'm saying this as my oldest is only two, who knows what is yet to come).  We do our best to look from the outside in and see what will be the most positive outcome for the future and we pray that God will light the path we are meant to take.

We are all humans and with that there is choices - the choices we make will lead us one direction over another.  Sometimes the path we chose, wasn't the right one and we find ourselves back tracking to get to the last fork in the road.  Other times, we are able to look forward to the next fork because our decision was the right one for us.  Then there are going to be other times that no decision is right or wrong, it's simply a matter of choosing which path we are going to take.

Every decision becomes a part of who we are.

The early arrival

I think it's easy to be frustrated when a soldier makes it home before yours does.  My husband just arrived home from deployment number three a little over halfway through.  There hasn't been a deployment yet though that at least some of the soldiers haven't come back at off times from the rest of the unit.

First deployment, even though we had been extended to 15 months and in the heart of the surge in Iraq, there were still soldiers that returned early for one reason or another - some had been hurt, some had become pregnant and some had family members that had significant health issues to include one of our spouses being diagnosed with cancer.

Second deployment was a little different.  I was one of those that returned early - about four months in to a year long deployment.  My back just wasn't holding up and with our change of orders from Iraq to Afghanistan, the expectations of our unit were going to change drastically.  I wasn't the first one to return home early from our unit and I ended up becoming one of quite a few that would return home early over the course of the next eight months.

Now on to number three.  My husband was on the first flight out, which to most was transparent besides a picture posted of the four of us from the day he left.  I still went to almost every deployment ceremony to take pictures for one family or another.  I watched as families trickled out over the course of a month after my husband had left.  Then starting a couple of months ago with a memo, I started seeing faces reappear here that had left long after my husband had.  They reappeared before we knew he was going to be coming home early.

With each situation, I saw the unfortunate bitterness.  The thing I think is very interesting about that bitterness, it's only at home.  Even when a soldier returned because of being pregnant, for the most part, little was said, we were all too busy to really care too much about it.

When I was getting ready to head back, I struggled with leaving my soldiers, but they all supported me.  I was sent off with hugs and well wishes, genuine well wishes.  Eight months later when the soldiers were getting ready to arrive home, I braced myself for cold shoulders and the sore feelings towards me… but there wasn't one.  As those soldiers walked in the hangar to turn in their weapons and I started shaking hands to welcome them home, those hand shakes were quickly shifted to hugs as the soldiers pulled me in for them.

This deployment had been much different for us though… this is the first time I haven't been on the soldier side of things.  As my husband shared that it was that time, the soldiers he had worked most closely with sent him off with words of well wishes, with hugs and a genuine happiness that he was returning home.  He had that anticipation and when he arrived home, he was happy to be home. The first day he was home, we spent the day making goodies to send in care packages to some of the single soldiers he was deployed with.  They knew and understood why he was coming home and they supported him.

On the other side of it, I have braced myself for weeks, every since we knew for sure he was coming home early.  I didn't really tell anyone because I anticipated there would be negative feelings, whether they were shown or not.  I saw how last deployment changed many of the relationships, even those that were close during the other parts of the deployment, when one of the soldiers arrived home early.  All of a sudden, you aren't sharing in something together, you feel like the other person is no longer your ally.  It's like they have morphed into this different person.

The fact is - that person doesn't change just because their soldier is home.  I never saw one person whose soldier came home early turn their back on the spouses they had been friends with.  They still were available when there was a bad day or when there as an emergency and the kids needed to be watched.

Even though I was a soldier last deployment, I was still a spouse with a deployed soldier.  I didn't understand the thought process of this perceived morphing then and I guess I still don't know.  Over the last months as other soldiers have come home, I was honestly happy for those families…  some of which I didn't even know at all.  As military families, we know how much our soldiers miss out on, so I celebrate when a soldier doesn't have to miss something.  No different than now that my husband is home, doesn't make my heart break any less for our little military family who will have an empty chair at their table for Christmas or for upcoming birthdays, etc.

Recently, I have deleted myself off a lot of the local military spouse groups.  I found that I didn't understand a lot of the needless drama that takes place.  The new form of bullying that has arisen.  As soldiers, although we didn't always get along, we did what we needed to in order to support our fellow soldiers.  That didn't mean things were always rainbows and kittens, but you do what you have to in order to make the mission happen.  I guess that's why I'm at such a loss on why this doesn't carry over to the other side of the family.  Maybe that's why I've stuck to just a few close people and kept my distance otherwise.

Bottom line - this life, this military life we live in has enough challenges, why do we add more to it?