The struggles within

I've debated on writing on this topic for awhile because of it being the happy holiday season, but then I reminded myself that this time of year is the hardest for those who suffer from depression.  I'm no different.  For the last number of years, I've had on and off issues with my PTSD.  Depression is one of many 'side effects'.

Most that see me out and about see a smile on my face.  I did the same thing when I was in the Army and my back was killing me, I did the best to keep a smile on my face and continue on.  This masking is no different for anyone who suffers from invisible wounds.  On a day to day basis, they attempt to function and act like everything is normal.

Then when they are away from others, the truth comes out, sometimes the tears, sometimes the hopeless thoughts or the feelings of being useless, the thoughts that something bad is going to happen or that yours or the life of a loved ones will be cut short.  The list goes on and on.

A little over a month ago, I finally came to terms with the fact that things were getting beyond my level of being able to cope with it myself.  I wasn't sleeping at night (which I'm still not doing great at since I'm awake at 4am writing this), I couldn't get some of the negative thoughts out of my head, even though my husband was most likely going to be coming home from deployment soon, all I could think about was the struggles that come with reintegration.  I was angry all the time, everything made me angry and to an extent, it still does.  I have to really talk myself through calming down.

When I had enough, I picked up the phone and called the VA.  This wasn't an easy call to make.  It was one that I had picked up the phone to make at least half a dozen times, but I finally did.  Not everyone makes that call.  It's not a matter of strength and weakness either, because some of those that have the strongest exteriors are the ones that are fighting the most within, while others are able to wear their fight on the outside.

I have learned that there are way too many taboo subjects, but the subjects that no one wants to talk about are the subjects that need the most openness.  I often times share my stories and struggles because someone out there might be reading this and might find that they aren't alone.  Sometimes simply finding out you aren't alone, can make a difference.

I started on meds about three weeks ago, the day after Thanksgiving.  I'm still weeks from being up to the dosage that's supposed to be effective for treatment, but it's a matter of taking things a day at a time. I've come to terms with yet another diagnosis that I thought I was stronger than, I've come to terms with the fact that it's okay to ask for help and I've come to terms with the fact that it doesn't have to be that dirty little secret.

As we head into these last few days before Christmas, I ask you to pray for those who may be struggling the most at this time of year, those who may be alone, those who need the blessings of Christmas more than anyone will know.