A couple months ago, I was asked by another spouse if I thought I was better than other spouses because I was prior service. This question caught me off guard and has really bothered me, especially since the person that asked it was someone I thought knew me at least somewhat well.
My first initial response was no, I don't. As I thought about it more over the last months and this question keeps popping back up in my mind, I was trying to think of how I would have given that perception.
I don't see myself as better than a spouse that hasn't served, it's simply different. I've been not only on the side of having my soldier deployed through holidays and birthdays, gone TDY more than I can count, but I've been deployed, I've gone TDY more times than I can remember - it's simply a different experience.
Last deployment, after I was sent back I struggled with integrating with the other spouses. I just didn't know how I fit in. They had already had four months to get to know each other, to build their little support systems and now here I was… I had been married to my soldier for a couple of years, but had never really seen myself as a spouse per say. When I did finally get to know some of the spouses, I was awkward. I felt like a spouse, I had gotten to know them and we had become friends, but I was still awkward.
I struggled with what could be said and what couldn't, what should and shouldn't be. I didn't want to share more than what the soldier wanted shared. I've struggled with that thought for a long time. I couldn't ever figure out why I've had trouble sharing past military experiences with my family until someone hit the nail on the head - although they knew I was a soldier, I needed them to still continue to see me as their daughter, their sister, their spouse. Some of the stories and experiences, I felt would alter that view. This is the same reason why my husband and I don't share everything about missions we have been on. It allows to still keep some things separate. We both know the other is available whenever we need an ear, but it's all on our own time. This is much the same for many service members on why their full story may not be shared. It's not a matter of not wanting to share that part of their life, it's simply a matter of still needing to be seen as their role outside the military too. With that being said, I didn't want to ruin that role for my fellow soldiers. I had served with them forward and now I was waiting with their spouses in the rear… it was awkward. I finally learned it was best to say nothing.
After I left the Army, I found myself full on in the role of a spouse… once again I was awkward. Then from time to time, I would get an email from one of my former soldiers who was asking me for help on locating a regulation or what my experience was with certain situations at the time of separation. Slowly those emails started dwindling, as many of them have separated the service now.
Then new emails started, new texts… this time from spouses. They were trying to understand something and it just didn't make sense. Or their soldier was TDY and they needed to figure out paperwork. Then, the most recent was the heartbreaking moment of explaining the notification process to the mother of a soldier with the unit and a fellow spouse. One was completely unfamiliar with the process, the other had received some incorrect information. In situations like this, they are never my experiences… I got straight to the regulations. I ensure that the information that I'm forwarding on is the correct info. I give the references.
You see - I don't think I'm better in any way, shape or form… I've simply had a different path previously to the path I'm currently on. A path that helps me understand things in a different way or understand the random gibberish that seems to be the way that the Army feels is necessary to write their regulations. I have walked in my husband's boots, as we have both been a part of an air assault unit and a medevac unit. I have never walked on the lands of Afghanistan like he has, but I have in Iraq. I know the look in his face when he comes back from a bad mission, which is why when he comes off duty and it's been a rough time, sometimes our Skype time has become a victim of Internet connection issues. My husband have cleaned blood out of the back of the aircraft together and manned machine guns on the opposite side of the aircraft.
I live in an in-between world, where I find myself constantly in a state of being awkward. A state where I miss being a soldier and even the realities of it that are sometimes painful, but where I also enjoy being able to stay home with my boys and supporting my husband. A world where I'm so incredibly proud of my husband for being selected to flight school, but also where I look back and wonder what if I had ever been able to submit my packet, which had been my dream.
In most ways though, I'm no different from any other spouse who has changed their schools three times before they complete their degree. Who has given up a career to follow the man they love. Who takes a job at their current location that they are way beyond qualified for, but there isn't anything available in your field. Who stays home and raises the kids. Who picks up a side job or starts their own business, so they have something they can move with them the next time orders come down.
So, no I don't think I'm better than my fellow spouses. My experiences from my 'past life' just carry forward into the here and now differently than what a lot of other's 'past life' does.
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