The real reintegration

It's easy to get wrapped in to the magic of a homecoming ceremony when you see all the pictures of that second first kiss.  The embraces that have been waiting for months and at times for a year or longer.  The children who are so small and tiny, holding a sign that simply states something that is so heartbreaking and so simple 'I've waited all my life to meet you…'

These are the moments that are posted and shared.  The moments that when you are going through your first deployment with your spouse you count down to, you look forward to.  It's the moments that come after that first night or that first few days, that you come to understand a little more after each deployment.

You learn that term reintegration means a lot more than a bunch of classes that the Army (and all other branches of service) require your service member to take.  It means getting them settled back in to every day life.  That could mean something as simple as the coffee being made a little less strong than something that could dissolve a spoon or staying on their side of the bed at night.  Or it could go much further… It could be the nightmares that wake them up or the days it takes them to readjust to the new time zone that causes their patience to wear a little thin.

It's in reminding them to take the trash out or getting used to having a baby monitor on through the night.  It's in the hyper vigilance that may take months to calm down or the way they constantly feel like they are missing something when they are walking out the door, because they've just spend the last number of months with a weapon constantly attached.

In recent weeks, when talking to other spouses about my husband coming home early from deployment, it was hard to explain how there was hesitation.  Even when I returned from a deployment when I was a single soldier, things were off.  It wasn't something I could put in to words, but it was just different.  Deployments change a person, some for the good, some for the bad, some find their breaking points and others will see life completely differently than they ever did before.  After all of that, they are sent back to their home, with their families, where life has continued to go on without their presence, where their child they left who couldn't even sit up by themselves is now walking and talking.

My point is this…  This whole reintegration thing doesn't get easier, you just start seeing it differently.  You understand that there are things you can do to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. There are ways to make that honeymoon period last beyond that first couple days.  You also learn that there are things you can help and things you can't, that being there to listen doesn't mean pushing them to talk and that it's okay if they aren't comfortable with being home with the kids alone right off the bat.

So when that moment comes and you see your soldier march in and that moment that has been building up for months comes… enjoy it, relish it.  Then in the moments that come after that, as minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days - be patient - be patient with your soldier, be patient with your kids, but most of all be patient with yourself.