Prioritize

I finally had to prioritize and give something up.  Yesterday I read a blog that talked about how we tend to get on all the social networking sites and see all the things other moms are doing and then in turn we feel inadequate.  The inadequate feeling was there, but not necessarily from the social networking aspect.

I have been struggling since I got out of the military with my 'identity'.  My husband and I were a dual military family and at the time we didn't have kids, so when we got home from work at night our conversations revolved around everything Army.  I was proud of what I did for many different reasons - I was proud of serving my country, proud of the mission I was a part of (MEDEVAC), proud to stand amongst heroes everyday and proud of the accomplishments I had made during my service.  When I got out all of that went away. 

Now that my son is here, I have found myself happy with my role as a mommy.  He is the light of my life and I'm loving every minute of it, but I still struggle with one thing.  With daddy being a soldier, there is an instant pride - but I have felt most days like I'm not currently doing anything for him to be proud that I'm his mommy.  After reading the blog post last night, it made me take a step back and think.  I work full-time from home, so I'm home with him, but I spend a good part of the day sitting at the computer.  I just started school again, I'm the co-leader for my husband's units Family Group;  volunteer with the National Military Family Association, the American Legion and the VFW (Veterans of Foreign War); dabble in photography, I like to scrapbook and do other crafts from time to time and I'm getting ready to start training for a half marathon later this year that I'm doing to raise money for cancer research.  Basically, I had stretched myself pretty thin. 

Both my mom and my husband had both tried to tell me this a few weeks ago, but as is typical I didn't listen and I drove on.  But last night, I had a 'light bulb' moment and I looked at everything.  I know school is important and what I was going to school for I was compassionate about (I eventually want to be a counselor and work with soldiers with PTSD), but right now the classwork was something I couldn't focus on.  So after a long discussion with my husband and some research on the school's policies, I decided that's what had to give and I dropped my courses. 

What finally clicked last night was that my son would be proud of me for the things he could see me do, not for me sitting in front of a computer doing schoolwork versus spending time with him.  I finished my masters degree right before he was born and later on when it doesn't feel like he is growing up so fast, I will go back and continue on with my school.  In the meantime, I know my son would much rather spend time with me and that is what is important.