My truth

Being a female soldier isn't all it's cracked up to be, in fact you're lucky to get out of it without some type of scars.

It seemed simple, join the military and you could have a chance at proving yourself outside of some gender stereotype.  In basic training, at least one of the drill sergeants was sleeping with a female soldier in our company.  When we got to AIT and she threatened to expose what he was doing to the trainees, she ended up going AWOL for fear of repercussions.  AIT wasn't much different, a supply NCO who took advantage of the female soldiers in training because of rank and position and using it against them.  When a female soldier was raped in AIT, I was there...  the soldier was another AIT soldier whose family was well off and it somehow disappeared.  The female soldier who cut her wrists and left a trail of blood through our barracks.  The female soldier who ran her car into one of the barriers...  This is the initial training that female soldiers live and then they get to their first unit.

Fort Hood was a nightmare.  It started with a unit not fully formed and unit leadership that seemed to be half-assed.  A captain that thought it was acceptable to put his fingers in places they didn't belong and then tried to further it.  I was only a PFC, then again so was another soldier that disappeared not that long ago from Fort Hood.  No investigations were launched because I didn't speak up.  During deployment, two other captains and a SFC spent a little too much time following my activities, but even when mentioned to my senior NCOs, it was laughed off as a joke and ended there.  After 15 months, we came back home.

Then it was AIT again to reclass.  Somehow I thought if I got away from other female soldiers, I would be seen as less of one.  Instead I ended up being physically assaulted by another soldier, one who was supposed to be a friend.  During the time at AIT, the MSG and CSM who were supposed to be my senior leadership at Fort Hood insisted on ongoing threats if I continued to try to get transferred out of the unit to be with my husband who was now stationed in Germany.

Germany was my hope at a new start...  only to be my downfall.  Before I even fully got into the unit there were two SSGs that had a target on me.  Everyday was living with berating and belittling about how I was never going to be good enough.  I was a new soldier to the MOS and doing my best to learn, but nothing was ever good enough for these two.  When deployment came, there was points I couldn't work on aircraft because of the pain meds for my back and one particular SSG would come up just to put me down in front of my soldiers.  When I tried to explain I couldn't touch the aircraft because of the meds I was on, he would lock me up in front of my soldiers and yell and scream at me.

Then I was sent back early....  it was enough for me to be on pain meds, but that wasn't a good enough reason for me to not work on the aircraft accordingly to some SSGs.  Had I worked on those aircraft and something happened, those lives would have rested on me.  I spent ten days at Landstuhl before heading back to my home unit.

Rear detachment 1SG would be my next step.  With taking care of soldiers on rear D, came the soldiers who came back early to ETS.  A friend of my husband and I's got in a bad situation one night after he came back from deployment early to prepare for ETS.  After picking him up, he took advantage of the situation and apparently long suppressed feelings and after attempting to sexually assault me, I kicked him out.

By that point in time, my MEB had started for my back and head injury from my first deployment.  Even though my command was supportive of keeping me in, I was broken and just done fighting.  I was done trying...

Being a female soldier seems grand, but at what cost...  I spent six years trying to prove myself to people that didn't deserve it.  I lost more than just my back and head in the process of service, I lost my ability to sleep soundly and to not feel like someone was always watching me.  I lost my ability to be me and it's taken a long time to get back to that somewhat.   I guess I fight to be seen as a veteran because it goes so far beyond the time in uniform or the deployments, it's still the 'right' that some think rank gives them and the uphill battle that we are still fighting to be seen as equals.

Spouse and Veteran

In my former life...  my days as a soldier, I never really thought about what not being a soldier would be like.

Now, it's been over six years since I've worn a uniform and there's days I still feel like I fell off a ride somewhere.

I was a soldier before I was a military spouse and at times I find a challenge in not identifying as both.  Dual military lasted a little over three years for us before the Army decided I was too broke to continue serving.

My time now is spent mostly volunteering and within that dynamic I've found a lot of other spouses like me.  The Veteran and Spouse.  Somewhere along the way the 'and' seems to disappear and you lose something you worked hard for.

I have been a spouse longer than I was a soldier, but that doesn't negate that part of my history.  But whenever you go to fill out anything for the military, you have to choose...  will you click the circle with spouse or the circle with veteran.  You have to choose between two parts of who you are.

When I go to the doctors office or the commissary or anywhere else on post, they see my tan ID card - my dependent ID card.  They see a spouse who is doing the best she can with everything else that is going on.  They don't see the veteran, the person who wore their own uniform.

I'm proud to be a military spouse and the silent ranks in which we all serve.  But I'm also proud that I understand my husband's job in a different way because I've been there.

A state of naivety

This month is focused on honoring military children.  Today specifically was a day to wear purple to show support.  As I think about the path we find ourselves in, I think of the lack of understanding and just lack of knowledge that our boys will come along.  

I think about myself as a child and how naive I was to the whole aspect of the military lifestyle.  We lived near an Air Force Base, but it was a relatively small one and represented a small part of the population of our town.  My best friend was an Air Force brat, but I didn't really think about that being a part of who she was.  I knew she had moved in a couple years before, but outside of that I didn't see anything different.  Then a month or so after everything was over with Operation: Desert Storm, her dad came in to talk to our class about his deployment.  We had all heard about what took place, but it didn't really hit home.  It was something so far away, something that didn't affect us.  My friend had acted a little weird and mentioned that her dad had to be gone for a little bit, but a direct connection wasn't made...  I was completely naive.

 

Although I can never put myself in the position of a military child, I know that my boys will cross other kids who were like I was, other kids who are naive about what being a military child means.  For my boys and so many others, it means many missed birthdays and holidays, it means not getting to talk to daddy for days, if not weeks, it means saying goodbye a lot more often than they ever would like to - I could go on for days.  

Looking back now, knowing the challenges that have taken place and that will continue to come for the boys, I know that there were so many other things I could have done to be a support to my friend. I also hope that as this road continues and we find ourselves moving around and continuing to have the regular separations that the children our boys come across will do better about taking the time to understand.

Semi-charmed life

Earlier tonight, as I was going through the seemingly endless process of unpacking, I thought of this life in general.  It's very easy to focus on the negative.  I know I have had some of those feelings the last few weeks.  Our household goods arrived less than 12 hours before my husband reported before WOCs, that meant for the next month and a half I was going to be trying to keep our two young boys entertained, trying to keep from overdoing it with my back and making an ongoing attempt to unpack.  Obviously it's not the ideal situation, but we make it work.

All of that being said, I can't count the number of times I've heard the comment 'I don't know how you do it'.  The answer to that is simple, yet complicated.  Almost as many times as I've heard that comment I've also heard the comment of 'oh, you've been able to travel to so many places'.

Here's the breakdown of things.  This is a difficult life, BUT there is so many things that make it worth it... So here we go:

1. We love our soldier
2. The long waits are worth the kiss and embrace when they are home
3. The wait sucks, but it gives us a chance to show that although the Army calls us dependents that we are completely independent.
4. On the same note of the wait sucks - I have an ongoing list of things I enjoy doing that tends to get pushed to the side when my husband is home.  I'm not trying to push him out the door by any means, but if he has to be gone, I might as well make the best of situation.
5. We live in more places than most people will ever travel.  We have the opportunity to discover different states of even different countries because we are there for at least a year or two.
6. If you aren't a fan of your neighbor, chances are they will be moving sooner than later.
7. We have the pleasure to truly cherish the moments we are together.  It's easy to take someone for granted when they are there for every day or for every holiday.  We don't have that stability, so when they are here, we make the most of them.
8. We raise some pretty darn amazing kids.  Before we had kids, I watched some other military children and was just amazed at the people they were.
9. Long term friends are made in weeks, not in years.  When you go through rough times together, you tend to build that relationship much more quickly.
10.  Same friend will take your child(ren) at the drop of a hat, whether it's for a last minute appointment, when you just need a little bit of a break or when your water breaks sooner than expected and you find yourself rushing to the hospital in labor at 4am.
11. There is no spring cleaning, there is the PCS purge and the he's coming home, hurry and clean.
12.  'Keep in touch' has a very different meaning, it's in Skype calls and random texts here and there.  It doesn't matter where you have moved or how long since you have talked.
13.  We understand making the most of a situation.  That darn deployment gnome always shows up at the worst time - the lawn mover quits working, you run out of propane, your car breaks down, one child had lice/poison ivy/chicken pox or any combination of the above and you have them quantized to prevent the other child(ren) from getting them.  We know how to change a tire and change the oil.  We know how to knit and fire a weapon.
14. We have fellow spouses and their soldier who make sure we are taken care of when our husband is gone, because they know the same will be gone for their spouse when the situation is reversed.
15.  EVERYTHING and I mean EVE-RY-THING has a regulation.  There is something in black and white print that explains anything you could ever have any questions about.
16.  The saying 'the bad times make the good times better' is a daily part of our life.
17.  We love our soldier!

For me, I never thought I would find myself married to a soldier.  I NEVER thought I would meet him in Iraq.  But six years into our marriage and we are finally getting to that point in that time that we have been together at least half of it.  Sure this life comes with challenges, but it also comes with great rewards, rewards we wouldn't get with any other path.

I'm just me

I'm a veteran, but:

To the VA, I'm one of thousands upon thousands of veterans.

To the Army, I was a rank among many ranks, a MOS among over 200 MOSs.

To soldiers, I was their NCO, their soldier or their co-worker.  Some liked me, some didn't.

I'm not going to be someone who there are books written about.  

I'm not someone who was recognized for being awarded a high award.

I'm not someone who stuck out in a sea of uniforms.

I'm proud of my time in uniform.  I'm proud of the missions that I was apart of, the deployments, to have worked with a number of soldiers I have the utmost respect for. 

I'm a military spouse, but: 

To the Army, I'm another dependent.

To the volunteer side of things, I'm another volunteer among many.

To my fellow Army wives, I'm another of many they will cross in their time as a military spouse.  Some have liked me, some have not.

I'm not going to be someone recommended for Military Spouse of the Year.

I'm not someone who would be recognized in a crowd except by those who know me.

I'm proud of my time as a military spouse so far.  I'm proud of making it through the challenges that have been placed in front of me and in front of us as a family along the way.  I have met some of the most amazing spouses and made some wonderful friends.

I'm a wife who often feels like she doesn't get enough done...  who wishes there was more motivation to constantly be on top of the laundry and the cleaning and the dishes and having a dinner on the table every night that was healthy and tasty.  But, I have a husband who sees something very different and tells me on a regular basis. 

I'm a mother who often feels like I'm failing my boys... who wishes I was able to do more with them without pain, who sees other super creative and super motivated mothers and wish I had that in me.  A mother who didn't get so frustrated some times with boys simply being boys.  But, to my boys I'm someone who loves them unconditionally, who tries my hardest everyday to be creative, to be motivated, to find things they enjoy to do.

I'm just me, plain and simple.  I do my best to get up everyday and look forward.  I do my best to take the time I am given to make the most of it.  I simply try to do my best.  To many, that won't ever matter to them, but all I can hope is that to those who know me is that my best will matter to them.  

Someone to miss

Today is Valentine's Day, which I've found that those whose service members are deployed look at it much the same as someone who is single of that day.  They are beyond over the mushy, gushy expressions of love that are shown in so many shades of pink and red that it's not even worth counting.  But it's none the less another holiday.

I'm thankful to have my husband home this year, but like most years, it's a pretty normal day in our house.  As I was thinking of the holidays, birthdays, and other points of interest that he's been home for that he originally wasn't supposed to be home for, I started thinking of how the world is flipped sometimes.

Last year, he was home for Valentine's Day, but I watched from a distance as many friends celebrated alone because their soldier was deployed.  Next year when the spouses that are alone this year will have their soldier home another spouse will be spending theirs alone.  It's a constant cycle of swapping, for one soldier to be home, another will be away from there family.

It's really no different than the exciting time of a unit coming home, there are special outfits bought and homecoming signs made, a special night out planned, I could go on and on.  As one family is preparing to run into their soldiers arms, just a few weeks before another family was watching their soldier march with a formation out the door.

Back to my original thought process...  For many this is the first day of love that they are spending apart.  For others, missing holidays and other special days has become such a common thing that they have lost count of how many have been missed, but know that the number of missed is probably going to be higher than the number they are here for.

I remember back when as a single soldier, I went through those first round of missed special days.  My first Thanksgiving I missed was just two days into basic training.  My first missed birthday was spent hoping that no one caught on to it being my birthday because the drill sergeants seemed to get joy out of helping a soldier celebrate by smoking them until they threw up.

After our wedding, the first day we missed was my husband's birthday, just a couple months into being married, then the list grew from there.  As the missed events have increased and hit that balance where more are apart than together, we have learned a very important lesson.  In a population that has a very high divorce rate - it's not the holiday or the special event that's important, it's the fact that you have someone who is worth missing those days for.  Someone who is worth missing all the other days in between for.  Someone who is worth saying goodbye to because you know the hello will be so much sweeter.

A life known to few, but many

Those that wear this great countries uniform make up less than 1% of the general population.  Based on the average service member having parents, one sibling, a spouse and a child, that means that for every one of those 1%, there is five people that support that 1%.  That leaves at least 95% of the general population at this very moment that are not directly connected to the military at this very moment.  When you factor in veterans and military families from past conflicts, that number goes to maybe, MAYBE 80% that has never had military affiliation.  

Even now as we are some part of that smaller percentage, at one point in time we were part of that other 95% that didn't fully understand the reality of the military.  In 2006 when I was getting ready to deploy for the first time, I looked up to those soldiers who had been deployed before I had even initially enlisted.  When I got back in 2008, there was a whole new round of privates that looked to us as the seasoned veterans because we had been to the sandbox.  

When deployment came around again in 2009, those that were going into their first deployment looked to those who had been deployed before to tell them what to expect.  Those that had deployed before they had joined the Army.  

The same is true on the other side of the coin.  As the family of a service member, we are still a part of a very small minority of the general population.  A general population that will never understand what going through a deployment is like, but we have to take a moment and realize there was a point in time that we were a part of that general population as well.  Eight years ago, as my family was gearing up for my first deployment, there were families out there that would never be in that position, but there were also families that were heading into their second or third deployment.  

Those in the general population will never fully understand the military life.  They won't know what it's like to miss the birth of their first child or to miss birthday after birthday.  They won't know what it's like to have been married for a number of years and have spent over half of that apart.  Next week, my husband and I will have been married six years, of that, we have spent over half of it apart.  But that doesn't give us the right to look down on those who are missing their first round of holidays apart or to those who will never be in that position at all.  No different than those spouses who have done this for years before we were apart of this life can look down upon us.  Within that seasoned population, I think you will find a group of mature spouses, who have done this year in and year out.  They know how to make the best out of a less than perfect situation.  They do one simple thing, that's one of the hardest things to do, but it's done over and over again - they bloom where they are planted.  

No matter how you slice it or dice it - at least 80% of the general population will never walk in these boots or shoes or flip flips or whatever your footwear of choice is.  They are a population that will always be outside the snow globe we call military life and never really understand why we continue to live in a life that is always shook up and never lands quite the same.  But they will also never know the tears as our soldiers walk away or that first kiss that we have over and over again, the creative ways to celebrate those missed holidays or the ways we help our children get through the ups and downs.  Some of the strongest and bravest individuals I have ever met and I will ever know are those that I have stood next to in uniform, those that I now stand with in the silent ranks and those military brats who endure things in their short childhood that many outside the military won't experience in their whole life.  

There are always negatives that come with any path we choose.  There is never going to be a perfect life that doesn't have any problems, but we can choose to focus on what we are missing that others aren't or we can focus on the fact that we have someone so important in our life that they are worth missing.