When I was a 'new' spouse

A few minutes ago, I read a blog about understanding how a military wife couldn't love their husband.  It was written based on a comment written in by a young military wife who talked had witnessed what was viewed at military wives not loving their husbands because of how they acted after their spouse left.  She made reference to the trips, activities and just in general 'planning' for when their spouse was gone. 

I remember that point in not understanding.  Mine came in a different point than most though.  Mine came about four months into the last deployment because I found myself in a world I had no idea about, a world I had kept my distance from.  Even though I was a military spouse, I was also a soldier.  Even though we had been through more than our fair share of separations, when he was gone I had my own mission to focus on, so I had never really considered myself an Army Wife.  Then all of that changed.  I found myself on the rear detachment as both the rear D First Sergeant and the FRL (Family Readiness Liaison).  It was my job to ensure the welfare of the few soldiers we had on the rear detachment, but I also became the direct link between the spouses and the forward chain of command for anything military they needed taken care of. 

For the first few weeks in the rear, I went to work and went home.  I didn't do anything outside of what needed to be done.  I did grocery shopping, I took care of my soldiers and I stayed home.  Those first few weeks were extremely long.  One of the soldiers I had been deployed with had told his wife that I was coming back and asked her to get in touch with me.  When she first called me and asked me to go along on a shopping trip to the big PX and commissary (we were stationed on a very small post in Germany at the time), I was hesitant.  I was different from these other ladies, what was I going to talk about, what would I have in common with them...  But out of need of getting out of our small apartment, I agreed to go. 

That short day trip was an eye opener.  We spent the day talking about what we had heard from our husbands, talking about upcoming plans, etc.  As I listened to them talk about plans they had, I couldn't help by feel guilty over even considering to do any of these without my husband.  Sure, we did A LOT of things apart, but when we had first moved to Germany, I had always thought all of our travelling would be done together.

A little over a month later, a trip to London came up.  I wanted to go so badly, but I was wrestling with the guilt of going without my husband.  What if when he got back, it was a trip we never had a chance to take together, what if, what if, what if.  When I first mentioned it to him, it was like I was trying to tell him the most horrible news.  His response was, 'Go, have fun, take pictures.'  I didn't know what to think.  After one of the other spouses I met that first day decided to go, I decided to give it a chance.  So I went. 

When I got back, the feelings of guilt were still there, but I had fun.  Since I had shared a room with this spouse I had just met, we had the chance to get to know each other better and we ended up becoming very close friends.  It still took me a little bit to understand that this trip, heck, just making plans when your soldier is gone is okay.  It's not leaving them out of your life, it's simply continuing to live when they are gone. 

Over the course of the next eight months, that trip to London became the start.  After much debate, my husband bought a plane ticket home for me for Christmas.  He didn't want me to be alone in Germany on Christmas since I had only been back less than two months.  So with the guilt heavy and fresh again, I went home for a few weeks.  After arriving back in Germany, I was thankful for that trip home.  The aunt had passed away the night before I had flown home, so I was able to be there when she was laid to rest.  I spent much needed time with my family, time that for once wasn't leading up to a deployment. 

Later in January, the ladies were going to Ikea and invited me along, this time I didn't hesitate, I went.  Then a trip to Budapest was presented, after a little consideration, I went.  I went, I had fun and I took lots of pictures. 

After redeployment, some of that guilt over going places resurfaced.  I felt like I had omitted him from that part of my life.  We talked about it and he honestly was thankful for those trips, he was thankful for me getting out of the house. 

He knew my transition was very difficult on me, so he was thankful for the distraction of going places and he was thankful for these ladies who helped me see that it's okay.  It's okay to take that trip or make those plans.  It's okay to have a life when they aren't here.  These isn't a moment that goes by that I don't wish my husband was there to share in whatever event it taking place for the day, but I also realize that I can't spend my life sitting at home waiting for him to come home.  No different than he is experiencing new and different things on a regular basis (in a very different capacity), I need to do the same thing. 

So as this next deployment is on the horizon, I'm making plans now.  I'm looking up activities to take our boys to, things they will enjoy, something to focus on besides the fact that our soldier is gone at the moment.  After all, whether we choose to take advantage or whether we stay locked up in our homes, each day is still going to pass and if we can make that time until they come home go quicker by enjoying it, then why not...so 'Go. Have fun. Take pictures.'

Different Paths

It's amazing how many times plans change.  A decade ago, I would have never thought that I would have joined the Army or deployed twice to Iraq or had the opportunity to spend hours crewing in the back of a Blackhawk, but about a year and a half later I found myself in basic training. 

Over the course of that decade, a lot of other plans have changed as well.  I didn't think I would find my best friend and other half in a soldier.  I thought I would be putting in my packet for warrant officer school.  I had planned on staying in the Army as a career.  I hadn't planned on being a stay at home mom...  But then life happened and as many times it does, your path takes a different direction than you expected. 

My husband I met during my first deployment and although we didn't hit it off at first, once we got to know each other all of that changed.  We have been married now for over five years.

My packet for warrant officer school was derailed when I had to have eye surgery to qualify.  I completed the surgery, but by the time the checkup that would clear me came up, I was in the middle of Iraq.  Before I redeployed, I had messed up my back and wasn't able to ever receive medical clearance.

After returning early from my second deployment and being deemed non-deployable because of significant issues with my back, migraines and episodes of vision loss, my MEB began.  Within a few months, they deemed I no longer met physical requirements to stay in the Army and the process of medical retirement began. 

Right after my retirement, we found out we were expecting our first child and just a little over a month ago we welcomed our second son into our little family.  Although, being a stay at home mom at one point in time had been the least appealing option to me, I couldn't imagine doing anything but that now.  Having the opportunity to watch every step of the way and since my husband is gone on a regular basis, being able to document things so he is able to witness them and be apart of them even when he isn't here. 

If you had asked me five years ago where I would be now, I would have never guessed this was the path my life would have taken.  When it all comes down to it, every step has been part of who I am now and there isn't any part of it I would give up.

My grandma

In less than a week, our second little boy will be here.  I didn't ever expect that I would be having a child at 31.  I figured that I would have had that stage of my life done a few years earlier, but here I am with an almost 18 month old and one on the way.  With the back issues I have, this time has been a little bit more of a struggle than the first time around.  As I was trying to take it easy this morning, I got to thinking about something... my grandma. 

Although she has been gone for quite a while now, I still think of the strength this lady had in her.  Standing under 5 foot by the time she was 80, she still had all the spirit you could imagine in someone one fourth her age.

One of the things about her that will never cease to amaze me is the number of children she raised.  My dad was the youngest boy of eleven, with one sister younger than him.  Grandma had my dad one day after her 40th birthday.  I can't imagine having a newborn at 40 or having another one a couple years later, but she did. 

She managed to stretch meals to feed this full household.  Which I know caused some confusion for my dad when he married my mom.  The first time she made meatloaf, he said there was too much meat to it.  Over the years, grandma's meatloaf had been more of a bread load to allow for everyone to get enough. 

I guess at times when my son is having a bad day or I'm not feeling so well, it helps to think back to the struggles she faced from surviving the Great Depression to raising all those kids and everything in between. 

Looking back

Yesterday my husband and I had our five year anniversary.  We married after only really knowing each other for a little over three months.  When we first were married, I'm sure there were plenty of people that thought we rushed into it.  Of course, there were the questions of a pregnancy.  The fact was that we had planned on getting married a couple months later, but then orders happened.  We were dual military with orders for two different places.  He was heading to Germany and I was staying in Fort Hood.

Last night as we were sitting at home watching TV, we had our traditional pizza for dinner and it made me really think of where we have been.  In five years, we have lived in three different countries and three different states, plus a number of other temporary duties that have found us in a number of other locations.  There has been time spent in Iraq and Afghanistan, but also France, Italy and Spain. There have been promotions, awards and learning how to understand the MEB process.  We have welcomed a little one into the world and are expecting our second in the next couple weeks.  We have spent about half the time we have been married apart from each other, but that is just part of the military life. 

Looking back, it's amazing to think about everything that we have gone through in such a short period of time.  We wouldn't change this journey for anything though, because in it was have found that although some thought we were rushing - we knew what we were doing. 

Our wedding day Feb 19, 2008 - Texas

December 2008 - Paris

May 2009 - Promotion to CPL

June 2009 - Deployment #2

September 2009 - Our crew chiefs in Iraq

Midtour - we renewed our vows on our second anniversary in a castle

June 2010 - Redeployment from Afghanistan

 
July 2010- Venice

July 2010 - My promotion to SSG

June 2011 - maternity pics in Ansbach, Germany

September 2011 - our son was born in Kansas

November 2012 - Promotion and Distinguished Honor Graduate at ALC

December 2012 - Maternity pictures for our second little guy

 

5 years ago

Five years ago today, I found myself back American soil after being deployed for 15 months.  It was my first experience in a combat zone and during that extended time frame I was there, my perspective on things changed.

I joined the Army in November 2004 - well after 9/11 and well into knowing that joining meant deploying.  Yet as I stood in the gym on Fort Hood in October 2006, I was scared.  Those in our unit that had deployed before had told us their experience and given a rough idea of what to expect, but no two stories are the same, no two experiences are the same.  I was walking onto the bus blindly after having made one last call to my family and prepared for what was coming. 

The first step off the plane was a quick entry to reality, with my M16 slung across my back I hit the wall of heat and sand that is Kuwait.  We were here, there was no turning back.  After a few short weeks in Kuwait and a lot of training, we once again loaded a plane that would take us into Iraq.

Over the next 15 months, I would gain a whole new perspective - on myself, on those I worked with, on the true sacrifice that comes with war.  I reenlisted a few months into the deployment, lost my grandfather less than a month later and then shortly after that my dream of flying came true. 

I started progression on a door gunner - the only female door gunner in our brigade.  My days were spent with learning the ins and outs of what made blackhawks fly, doing basic maintenance and learning how to shoot a machine gun while in flight. 

During my last progression flight, the sacrifices that are laid down by our service members became more real than it had ever been.  We had an add on mission - a Hero Mission.  As we were going into land at FOB Washington, the FI (Flight Instructor) I was flying with briefed me on what our role was.  After landing, we each got out of the aircraft and took up our respective places and waited for the individuals from the hospital to bring the soldier who had been killed in action out to the aircraft.  As soon as they made their way into site, I was overcome with emotion.  They were carrying a stretcher draped with a flag.  As they passed under the rotors, we all saluted as we began this soldiers final trip home.  This was the first of multiple Hero Missions I would have the honor of being a part of throughout the rest of the deployment. 

A few months later my cousin, who was deployed the same time frame I was, would hit yet another IED and find himself MEDEVACd yet again.  My unit allowed a few visits when time allowed for us to coordinate flights for me to visit him or him to visit me.  We had ran into each other in Kuwait, the first time I saw him after that was eight months later.  Being an infantry soldier - he had spent his time in a turret on convoys.  That short time frame had changed him, but we were able to have a good visit, then he showed me the humvee he had been in during his most recent IED encounter.  That was another moment of emotions that I can't describe.  Shortly after returning from deployment, the MEB process was started for him, which ended with a medical separation. 

Another few months had passed and I found myself with a simple injury while out on a mission that would progressively get worse through the rest of the deployment and after another deployment would eventually result in my own medical retirement.

In the last months of deployment, a lot of things would change for me.  The soldier of the month board became something I excelled at and would continue finding myself as a board soldier for the remainder of my short career.  I met another soldier who I flew on missions with that just six weeks after we returned from deployment would become my husband. 

As I marched across that parade field that afternoon, I spotted my family and everything started sinking in.  During the deployment, carrying a gun - whether a 9mm pistol, M4 or M16 rifle or a 240 machine guns were a daily thing, getting shot at and the sound of mortars coming in became something you were used it, those that had been acquaintances had become like family, some of those that had I been close to became distant memories and at times those family members became a much needed lifeline. 

Looking back today, I'm thankful for that time.  Even though it meant a lost of missed holidays and celebrations, it also made me a different person and changed the course of my life for the better.

First and Last

My husband and I have been married for almost five years... about half of that one or the other of us has been somewhere other than 'home'.  So I've become accustomed to an empty bed. 

There are still rough nights - nights that sleep just doesn't seem to come no matter how hard you try.  From my experience, the first and the last night are always the worst.

That first night, you are getting used to the lack of someone else in the bed with you.  The comfort that comes with bumping into someone else in your sleep or having someone steal your covers throughout the night.  The second night starts the progression of things getting a little better until you get used to it a little more.

The last night is normally sleepless for me as well.  It doesn't seem to matter how long they are gone, they is always a 'to do' list before they get home, running through what you might be doing for dinner that night or even worrying about what you are going to wear.  Either way, instead of counting sheep - you are counting all the items you haven't yet done. 

There is, of course, the first night they are home as well.  The time where you can no longer sprawl out on the bed and burrito yourself in the covers.  That time where you have someone to cuddle up next to instead of wrapping your arms around his pillow that his smell has faded from over the time he was gone. Either way - all that matters at that point is he's home and once again your bed and your life is whole again.

A new year

I think this is the time of year that everyone tries to come up with a resolution - something attainable, but something that we can be proud of for keeping up with.  I'm no different. 

In the last year, I had started working again after a little over a year off between my medical retirement and having a baby.  My photography business also took off.  The combination of the two kept me extremely busy and left little time for doing things I enjoyed and spending quality time with my family. 

After finding out we were expecting our second child, my back started bothering me so badly that I had to quit my job, but I had stuck with doing my photography.  As I became more and more busy every month, I was giddy.  Making something I loved into a business was a dream come true, but then a few weeks ago I had a dose of reality.

Although I love doing my photography, just like anything else you make into a business - it becomes work and the more you push yourself to accommodate everyone, the less time you have for yourself and the things in life that are truly important.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up my business - I'm just slowing down a little. 

In the last two weeks, I have focused time on my family as my husband had just returned from one TDY and then today he left again.  This is going to be a harsh reality of our 2013, as there are many temporary duties on the calendar already which has the end result of a deployment that's coming up much too soon. 

As I look back at the last two weeks, we have had a chance to regroup, to spend much needed time together and opportunities to laugh and just have fun.  There really haven't been any schedules or requirements to be anywhere at a certain time.  It's just been us.  So for the coming year, that's what my schedule is going to look more like.  More time to play with my son, more time to cuddle with my husband (when he's here) and more time to just simply enjoy the moment.