Transition

     Over the years, a lot of my identity came within my time in service.  This wasn't just a pride thing, but a matter of the space and time where life just changed.  

    When I joined the Army, I had grand plans of becoming a helicopter pilot.  My time in the Army turned out much differently than planned.  I injured my back and my head during deployment before I had been cleared from my eye surgery that I needed to qualify as a pilot.  The injury was just one part of the unplanned path.  There would be violations of trust, overreaches of authority, challenges that would take longer than expected to overcome and in much of that pain I found both my identity and the loss of the identity I'd had before.  

    This is where I think many veterans have a challenge letting go.  When we joined the military, we did for a hundred different reasons, but no matter how long your time in the military lasts - it drastically changes you.  Some will walk away from the military and never want to look back, others will find that everything they are now is wrapped up in their time in service.  

    So much of everything that is now who I am is the result of many different situations, but at the tip of that is the military.  As time has gone on and I have had my time minimized by others, including a lady who retired from the reserves and told me that my medical retirement wasn't a real retirement or the multiple times I've had someone made remarks about my DV tags because they assume they are my husband's.  

    I've hit a point in life where I'm tired of living up to some standard of what people think I should be.  So while this will still have some points in which my military time will be relevant or my still current time as a military spouse will be mentioned, moving forward the topics will be much more focused on where I am at this point in time and the path that God has me own.  I hope you might stay along for this journey and see the messy days that sometimes comes in life.

20 years

As I sit here and try to find the right 'lesson' for my boys to describe this week, everything just seems minimal.  

Do you remember where you were that day?  I was working at a bank where we didn't have access to internet use during work.  After calling loan servicing for a customer, Jeff on the other end stopped and said there was an attack.  I completed my call with the customer and stepped over to the snack shop near by just in time to see the second plane hit the twin towers.  In the days that came, so much was uncovered...  All of a sudden, we weren't as safe as we believed we were.  The military was called up and deployments began.  

This was all distant to me.  One of my cousins was on the initial invasion, but outside of that, I was disconnected to all of it.  It would take a couple of years and the loss of a few people I knew - 1 in Afghanistan and 1 in Iraq, before it became my life.  

So here we are 20 years later and what to show.  Iraq isn't stable, Afghanistan definitely isn't, but Bin Laden was taken care of.  Politicians pretend to know what's going on, veterans who have been there know all too well.  

People as a whole want to have an opinion on the matter...  'we shouldn't have been there', 'we should have done this or that'...  it's like watching a football game where you have all kinds of thoughts on what the coach should have done, but that's not what happened.  

Here's what I know...  20 years ago we went to war, recently that 'ended' in a disaster.  I only served for six years before being medically retired - my husband is on year 16 of active service. Between the two of us, we have seven deployments under our belts.  We've missed holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, weddings, funerals....  as life went on back here when we weren't there.  

Halfway into this timeframe, our first child was born.  9/11 is a piece of history for them.  They may never know how deep it runs within us because it's not 'real' for them.  While they live the sacrifice of the reprecussions, the event itself is no different to them than significant events that happened before I was born.  

So how do you realistically connect their current life and our challenges?  The simple answer is you don't.  Our history isn't theirs, the perception they have based on the life they have lived thus far will change their view of the reality they have.  

Our boys will forever have a piece of war placed on them, not because they have been there firsthand, but because both of their parents have lived it and struggled somedays with dealing with the realities of it.  For our boys, 9/11 is a part of history, but the war that followed was front and center.  

The lesson for the 20th anniversary of 9/11 may be a minor disaster as I struggle to even try to word one complete thought from that day, but the struggles of the in between aren't lost to our boys even though they aren't old enough to have been around.   

My truth

Being a female soldier isn't all it's cracked up to be, in fact you're lucky to get out of it without some type of scars.

It seemed simple, join the military and you could have a chance at proving yourself outside of some gender stereotype.  In basic training, at least one of the drill sergeants was sleeping with a female soldier in our company.  When we got to AIT and she threatened to expose what he was doing to the trainees, she ended up going AWOL for fear of repercussions.  AIT wasn't much different, a supply NCO who took advantage of the female soldiers in training because of rank and position and using it against them.  When a female soldier was raped in AIT, I was there...  the soldier was another AIT soldier whose family was well off and it somehow disappeared.  The female soldier who cut her wrists and left a trail of blood through our barracks.  The female soldier who ran her car into one of the barriers...  This is the initial training that female soldiers live and then they get to their first unit.

Fort Hood was a nightmare.  It started with a unit not fully formed and unit leadership that seemed to be half-assed.  A captain that thought it was acceptable to put his fingers in places they didn't belong and then tried to further it.  I was only a PFC, then again so was another soldier that disappeared not that long ago from Fort Hood.  No investigations were launched because I didn't speak up.  During deployment, two other captains and a SFC spent a little too much time following my activities, but even when mentioned to my senior NCOs, it was laughed off as a joke and ended there.  After 15 months, we came back home.

Then it was AIT again to reclass.  Somehow I thought if I got away from other female soldiers, I would be seen as less of one.  Instead I ended up being physically assaulted by another soldier, one who was supposed to be a friend.  During the time at AIT, the MSG and CSM who were supposed to be my senior leadership at Fort Hood insisted on ongoing threats if I continued to try to get transferred out of the unit to be with my husband who was now stationed in Germany.

Germany was my hope at a new start...  only to be my downfall.  Before I even fully got into the unit there were two SSGs that had a target on me.  Everyday was living with berating and belittling about how I was never going to be good enough.  I was a new soldier to the MOS and doing my best to learn, but nothing was ever good enough for these two.  When deployment came, there was points I couldn't work on aircraft because of the pain meds for my back and one particular SSG would come up just to put me down in front of my soldiers.  When I tried to explain I couldn't touch the aircraft because of the meds I was on, he would lock me up in front of my soldiers and yell and scream at me.

Then I was sent back early....  it was enough for me to be on pain meds, but that wasn't a good enough reason for me to not work on the aircraft accordingly to some SSGs.  Had I worked on those aircraft and something happened, those lives would have rested on me.  I spent ten days at Landstuhl before heading back to my home unit.

Rear detachment 1SG would be my next step.  With taking care of soldiers on rear D, came the soldiers who came back early to ETS.  A friend of my husband and I's got in a bad situation one night after he came back from deployment early to prepare for ETS.  After picking him up, he took advantage of the situation and apparently long suppressed feelings and after attempting to sexually assault me, I kicked him out.

By that point in time, my MEB had started for my back and head injury from my first deployment.  Even though my command was supportive of keeping me in, I was broken and just done fighting.  I was done trying...

Being a female soldier seems grand, but at what cost...  I spent six years trying to prove myself to people that didn't deserve it.  I lost more than just my back and head in the process of service, I lost my ability to sleep soundly and to not feel like someone was always watching me.  I lost my ability to be me and it's taken a long time to get back to that somewhat.   I guess I fight to be seen as a veteran because it goes so far beyond the time in uniform or the deployments, it's still the 'right' that some think rank gives them and the uphill battle that we are still fighting to be seen as equals.

Spouse and Veteran

In my former life...  my days as a soldier, I never really thought about what not being a soldier would be like.

Now, it's been over six years since I've worn a uniform and there's days I still feel like I fell off a ride somewhere.

I was a soldier before I was a military spouse and at times I find a challenge in not identifying as both.  Dual military lasted a little over three years for us before the Army decided I was too broke to continue serving.

My time now is spent mostly volunteering and within that dynamic I've found a lot of other spouses like me.  The Veteran and Spouse.  Somewhere along the way the 'and' seems to disappear and you lose something you worked hard for.

I have been a spouse longer than I was a soldier, but that doesn't negate that part of my history.  But whenever you go to fill out anything for the military, you have to choose...  will you click the circle with spouse or the circle with veteran.  You have to choose between two parts of who you are.

When I go to the doctors office or the commissary or anywhere else on post, they see my tan ID card - my dependent ID card.  They see a spouse who is doing the best she can with everything else that is going on.  They don't see the veteran, the person who wore their own uniform.

I'm proud to be a military spouse and the silent ranks in which we all serve.  But I'm also proud that I understand my husband's job in a different way because I've been there.

A state of naivety

This month is focused on honoring military children.  Today specifically was a day to wear purple to show support.  As I think about the path we find ourselves in, I think of the lack of understanding and just lack of knowledge that our boys will come along.  

I think about myself as a child and how naive I was to the whole aspect of the military lifestyle.  We lived near an Air Force Base, but it was a relatively small one and represented a small part of the population of our town.  My best friend was an Air Force brat, but I didn't really think about that being a part of who she was.  I knew she had moved in a couple years before, but outside of that I didn't see anything different.  Then a month or so after everything was over with Operation: Desert Storm, her dad came in to talk to our class about his deployment.  We had all heard about what took place, but it didn't really hit home.  It was something so far away, something that didn't affect us.  My friend had acted a little weird and mentioned that her dad had to be gone for a little bit, but a direct connection wasn't made...  I was completely naive.

 

Although I can never put myself in the position of a military child, I know that my boys will cross other kids who were like I was, other kids who are naive about what being a military child means.  For my boys and so many others, it means many missed birthdays and holidays, it means not getting to talk to daddy for days, if not weeks, it means saying goodbye a lot more often than they ever would like to - I could go on for days.  

Looking back now, knowing the challenges that have taken place and that will continue to come for the boys, I know that there were so many other things I could have done to be a support to my friend. I also hope that as this road continues and we find ourselves moving around and continuing to have the regular separations that the children our boys come across will do better about taking the time to understand.

Semi-charmed life

Earlier tonight, as I was going through the seemingly endless process of unpacking, I thought of this life in general.  It's very easy to focus on the negative.  I know I have had some of those feelings the last few weeks.  Our household goods arrived less than 12 hours before my husband reported before WOCs, that meant for the next month and a half I was going to be trying to keep our two young boys entertained, trying to keep from overdoing it with my back and making an ongoing attempt to unpack.  Obviously it's not the ideal situation, but we make it work.

All of that being said, I can't count the number of times I've heard the comment 'I don't know how you do it'.  The answer to that is simple, yet complicated.  Almost as many times as I've heard that comment I've also heard the comment of 'oh, you've been able to travel to so many places'.

Here's the breakdown of things.  This is a difficult life, BUT there is so many things that make it worth it... So here we go:

1. We love our soldier
2. The long waits are worth the kiss and embrace when they are home
3. The wait sucks, but it gives us a chance to show that although the Army calls us dependents that we are completely independent.
4. On the same note of the wait sucks - I have an ongoing list of things I enjoy doing that tends to get pushed to the side when my husband is home.  I'm not trying to push him out the door by any means, but if he has to be gone, I might as well make the best of situation.
5. We live in more places than most people will ever travel.  We have the opportunity to discover different states of even different countries because we are there for at least a year or two.
6. If you aren't a fan of your neighbor, chances are they will be moving sooner than later.
7. We have the pleasure to truly cherish the moments we are together.  It's easy to take someone for granted when they are there for every day or for every holiday.  We don't have that stability, so when they are here, we make the most of them.
8. We raise some pretty darn amazing kids.  Before we had kids, I watched some other military children and was just amazed at the people they were.
9. Long term friends are made in weeks, not in years.  When you go through rough times together, you tend to build that relationship much more quickly.
10.  Same friend will take your child(ren) at the drop of a hat, whether it's for a last minute appointment, when you just need a little bit of a break or when your water breaks sooner than expected and you find yourself rushing to the hospital in labor at 4am.
11. There is no spring cleaning, there is the PCS purge and the he's coming home, hurry and clean.
12.  'Keep in touch' has a very different meaning, it's in Skype calls and random texts here and there.  It doesn't matter where you have moved or how long since you have talked.
13.  We understand making the most of a situation.  That darn deployment gnome always shows up at the worst time - the lawn mover quits working, you run out of propane, your car breaks down, one child had lice/poison ivy/chicken pox or any combination of the above and you have them quantized to prevent the other child(ren) from getting them.  We know how to change a tire and change the oil.  We know how to knit and fire a weapon.
14. We have fellow spouses and their soldier who make sure we are taken care of when our husband is gone, because they know the same will be gone for their spouse when the situation is reversed.
15.  EVERYTHING and I mean EVE-RY-THING has a regulation.  There is something in black and white print that explains anything you could ever have any questions about.
16.  The saying 'the bad times make the good times better' is a daily part of our life.
17.  We love our soldier!

For me, I never thought I would find myself married to a soldier.  I NEVER thought I would meet him in Iraq.  But six years into our marriage and we are finally getting to that point in that time that we have been together at least half of it.  Sure this life comes with challenges, but it also comes with great rewards, rewards we wouldn't get with any other path.

I'm just me

I'm a veteran, but:

To the VA, I'm one of thousands upon thousands of veterans.

To the Army, I was a rank among many ranks, a MOS among over 200 MOSs.

To soldiers, I was their NCO, their soldier or their co-worker.  Some liked me, some didn't.

I'm not going to be someone who there are books written about.  

I'm not someone who was recognized for being awarded a high award.

I'm not someone who stuck out in a sea of uniforms.

I'm proud of my time in uniform.  I'm proud of the missions that I was apart of, the deployments, to have worked with a number of soldiers I have the utmost respect for. 

I'm a military spouse, but: 

To the Army, I'm another dependent.

To the volunteer side of things, I'm another volunteer among many.

To my fellow Army wives, I'm another of many they will cross in their time as a military spouse.  Some have liked me, some have not.

I'm not going to be someone recommended for Military Spouse of the Year.

I'm not someone who would be recognized in a crowd except by those who know me.

I'm proud of my time as a military spouse so far.  I'm proud of making it through the challenges that have been placed in front of me and in front of us as a family along the way.  I have met some of the most amazing spouses and made some wonderful friends.

I'm a wife who often feels like she doesn't get enough done...  who wishes there was more motivation to constantly be on top of the laundry and the cleaning and the dishes and having a dinner on the table every night that was healthy and tasty.  But, I have a husband who sees something very different and tells me on a regular basis. 

I'm a mother who often feels like I'm failing my boys... who wishes I was able to do more with them without pain, who sees other super creative and super motivated mothers and wish I had that in me.  A mother who didn't get so frustrated some times with boys simply being boys.  But, to my boys I'm someone who loves them unconditionally, who tries my hardest everyday to be creative, to be motivated, to find things they enjoy to do.

I'm just me, plain and simple.  I do my best to get up everyday and look forward.  I do my best to take the time I am given to make the most of it.  I simply try to do my best.  To many, that won't ever matter to them, but all I can hope is that to those who know me is that my best will matter to them.