A piece missing

There are days I struggle.  I miss being a soldier.  I miss having soldiers to work with and I even miss the deployments.

When my medical retirement officially came down, I struggled.  It was not on my terms, it was not on my planned time.

There have been days that I don't feel like I'm accomplishing the same things I was before.  Most of my days are spent taking care of my two little boys and keeping the household running.  I know this is some of the most important work I will ever do, however, there is still a piece missing.  Then from time to time, that piece reappears.

It appears in the form of a former soldier contacting me needing help with something or a spouse who is dealing with some stuff with their service member that they just need someone to listen.  Something directed that individual, some of which I have never met in person, to click that send button.  Although at the end of many of the conversations, there is thanks for listening or for helping them look up a regulation, the thanks is really coming from my end.  For that moment in time, the soldier is me resurfaces and I'm a different person.

To be honest, I think this has helped me deal more with the abrupt end to my planned career and other issues that had come along the way than any counselor or book every could.

So to those who thought I may have been helping them out in some way, shape or form… please know that you have helped me more than you will ever know.

What the years have brought

At the recruiters station with my family

Nine years ago today, I did one of the most difficult things I have done.  I met back at the recruiters station and loaded a van to head to MEPs.  From there I would fly to Fort Jackson, South Carolina to begin basic training.  Just two days into the Army would be my first holiday away from my family.  That first Thanksgiving would be an uneventful day waiting in reception for the inprocessing to finish to actually be transferred to my training unit.  Our required uniform was the old marshmallow PT suit.  As I look back at that first holiday and the fear I had in the decision I had made, I also look at the years in between.  They have taken me on some crazy adventures and I have met some of the most wonderful people.  Without going into too much detail, here is a quick 'snapshot' of those nine years.


Eight years ago, I spent Thanksgiving at Fort Rucker, Alabama.  The day before I had found out that I had finally received my security clearance and would soon receive my orders for my first duty station.  A couple of other soldiers and I spent the morning serving lunch at the homeless shelter and then went to Cracker Barrel for dinner.

Seven years ago was my first Thanksgiving deployed.  We were lucky where we were to have a nice DFAC, but it still was hard being away from home.  There was some comfort in knowing that I did have family close at hand with my cousin being on the other side of Baghdad.

Six years ago was my second straight Thanksgiving deployed.  This time the essence of the second straight deployed holiday was highlighted by the reporter who felt the need to walk around and ask how we felt about the deployment being extended and that it was extended through a second set of holidays.


Five years ago, was spent in WLC in Grafenwohr, Germany.  My husband was able to come visit me, but we had very limited visitation hours.

Four years ago, I had just returned from deployment early and my husband was in Afghanistan.  I spent the day actually feeling like a spouse as opposed to another soldier.  I was immersed in the world of spouses in the rear and most of us sat down and shared our meal together at the DFAC.  That evening, a fellow spouse and I boarded a bus for a very long trip to London.  

Three years ago, was a rough time....  My husband had returned from deployment a few months before and then had been sent TDY.  We were going through a lot of stuff with post deployment challenges and then I had just officially signed out of the Army after being medically retired.  Within a couple months we would find out that our first child was on the way.

Two years ago, we had just moved back to the states, our son was just a couple months old, we had bought our first house and for the first time since before I joined the Army, we spent Thanksgiving with my family.  

One year ago, we were expecting our second son.  My husband had just finished top in his class at ALC and a few days after Thanksgiving he headed to Colorado for training.

This year our family is spending separated.  My husband is on his third deployment.  As I look back on all these years, there have been some years that were challenging, some that were heartbreaking, some that brought happiness and some that just were.  The bottom line is that, even though there are days that I hate the pain that has resulted from my time in the Army, the rest of it, I wouldn't give up for anything.  It's given me the opportunity to do things I never would have done otherwise, to meet people I never would have otherwise, to see places I never would have had the opportunity to travel to and it was where I met my amazing husband.  That decision was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

A overdue word of thanks

I look around and can't believe how blessed we are.  We have wonderful neighbors who mow our yard or shovel the snow when my husband is gone.  I have friends who are willing to take my boys, even in a last minute for me.  I have the blessing of living close enough to family to see the on a regular basis, which is something that I have found myself taking for granted at times.

We are getting ready to move again (as is the Army life) and we won't be close to family like we have been at our current location.  Although we have been stationed overseas and other places away from home, all of that was before kids.  I still was going through a number of medical treatments, but it was easier to handle when it was just me.  Now I have these two little guys running/crawling around and it adds a little extra challenge to things.  A challenge that my mom has helped with more than I can count.

We moved here when I was 32 weeks pregnant with our oldest.  My parents helped us house hunt and helped us (when I say us, I really mean they helped by husband) move.  They were here to take care of our crazy puppy while we were in the hospital.  Then when my husband went on a number of TDYs, my mom came up and helped me out.  She took my son so I could take a break, she folded clothes or emptied the dishwasher.

Then about nine months later, we announced we were expecting our second little guy.  Once again, my parents came up to help.  They stayed here at the house with our oldest while we were in the hospital.  Then over the past almost eight months, as a TDY has come up and then deployment - my medical appointments haven't stopped, but every time my mom has always been there.

As we get ready to move, I know that is a big change that is going to take place.  It's going to take some getting used to, because I've been spoiled while we were here.  I don't think there are enough words to thank my mom for the sanity she has helped me keep or the pain she has prevented or the stress she has taken away.  I love you, mom!

Slightly proud

I'm going to take a moment and brag on my husband.  

Today he hit his eight year mark in the Army, and today, halfway around the world he raised his right hand to re-enlist.  Although he has done this in the past, this was the critical one for him and for our family.  We had decided a long time ago (when we were both in still) that if either of us got to the ten year mark, we were staying in to retire.  This contract renewal puts him over that ten year mark and solidifies at least another 12 years for him as a soldier and for us as an Army family.

I didn't know my husband when he joined the Army, I didn't meet him until about two years later when we were both almost a year into our first deployment.  He had just been selected to move from the maintenance company to a flight company to start flying as a crew chief.  

My first impression was that he was an arrogant, full of himself, know-it-all that was just one giant pain in my rear.  This impression, come to find out, was much at the fault of one of his NCOs because he had been 'volun-told' he was going to featured for a short informational video on the MOS 15T.  It would take a few months before I would get to know him to be any different than that.  From that point on, it didn't take long for me to learn the hard-working person he was.  

In the last six years that we have known each other, I've seen him promoted to Corporal, through pictures promoted to Sergeant and then promoted to Staff Sergeant.  I've watched as he took junior soldiers and taught them the ins and outs of the aircraft as a senior crew chief.  I've seen him take an aviation equipment shop that was handed over to him in shambles and get it completely prepared for a deployment, actually deploy it and bringing it back.  He's successfully started up multiple remote sites in a deployed environment and been selected as a flight instructor. He finished as 'top dawg' in the ACSI (Standardization Instructor Course) and then completed the Advanced Leaders Course (ALC) as the distinguished honor grad.  He's been the SI of his unit for over two years now and trained more soldiers than I can count.  He's worked towards completing his degree.  He studied for his flight aptitude test and completed his flight school packet and just found out he was selected to attend flight school.  All of this in the midst of deployments and multiple TDYs.  Not to mention that he spends every spare moment he has being an amazing father and a wonderful husband.  

I know it's easy to be partial to our service members, because we are all proud of what they do.  I've had an interesting insight in to my husband's work though since I have worked with him before.  So I've actually had the chance to witness first hand, to learn first hand from him.  

I find it even more amazing that as everyone is stressed out over the looming government shutdown, the possibility of our service members not getting paid, that he still raised his right hand.  To know that to him, it's more than a paycheck, it's more than a job - it truly is something in his heart that he loves.  Our boys and I couldn't be more proud of our soldier!!  

If there had been Facebook during Vietnam

Over the last week, the rather uneducated Facebook post of a girl has gone viral.  Although her comments were less than tactful and showed a great lack of maturity, they still irritated me.  It was a perfect example of the opinion of some of those that we may interact with on any given day. 

That being said, the number of individuals that have this type of opinion is minimal.  Considering that we are living in a time where social media makes it very easy for individuals to voice their opinion.  Also, considering that we live in a time that our military makes up the smallest percent of the total population that is has in over a century.  One other fact to keep in mind - our military is all volunteer, no one received a notice in the mail saying they were to report to a certain location to be part of the draft.

Imagine if Facebook had been existent during the Vietnam war.  These veterans were already coming home to being called baby killers and being spit on.  They were treated like less than dirt on the bottom of somebody's shoe.  So many of them perished after they were forced into the ranks.  They dealt with horrible things that someone should never have to endure, let along enduring it after the horrible things they had been through, things they had seen. 

Many of those who protested and treated these veterans this way were those who had never worn a uniform or loved someone that wore that uniform.  The same is true today.  Many who have a certain opinion are those who have never walked a day in a service member's shoes.  They have no idea what it is like to see that uniform walk away and they have no idea how it feels to give that final salute to a flag draped coffin. 

The fact of the matter is - there is a huge general population out there.  A huge population that will never understand why service members deploy, heck, there's a lot that are around the military that don't always understand either.  But there's also a general population out there that are teachers, nurses, firefighters, blue collar workers, and so on, that we may never understand.  

We could learn a huge lesson from the Vietnam veterans.  We can focus on the individuals who have an opinion that's not worth our time or we could make darn sure that our service members know they are supported.  I'm going to do my best to walk in the path those veterans have set forth - that is so simply stated in two words... NEVER AGAIN!

A 'normal' birthday

Two different locations, two different timezones, heck, during part of my son's birthday celebration our family was in two different days.  For most, this is an extreme abnormal thing, but for military families - this has become the norm.  The normal birthday, anniversary, first day of school, Christmas.  This list could go on and on.  But that normal birthday has become normal because of those families ability to adapt.

For our little family, separations are nothing new.  My husband and I have been apart more than we have been together in the almost six years we have been married.  In that time, he's been home for one of my birthdays, oh and that one happened to fall on a night there was an Army function.  Such is the life though.

Today hit a little closer to the heart though.  My husband and I are fully capable of still communicating and somewhere celebrating our special occasions when he is gone.  My son, who just turned two, is a little more difficult.  He loves getting to see daddy and we were blessed that he was able to Skype during the early part of his birthday party today.  But as it was time to tell daddy goodbye, I tried to hold back my tears as my little guy told him night, night and blew him kisses.

This was the first of many 'big' events that daddy will be missing over the next months on this go around.  I think it goes back to the old thought process that separations, TDYs, deployments never get any easier - you just learn a different way to live, you take advantage of the moments you have without him because you know he is sacrificing for those moments and each day you are thankful for the blessings you have been given.

Thankful for those that lend a helping hand, those who say a prayer for our troops, those who are your sounding boards when you've had a rough day.  Thankful to those who help you make the most of that 'one day closer'.

Two different types of soldiers

One thing I learned very quickly during my time in uniform is that there is two different types of leaders you will work with.  One there will be an over abundance of and the other will be hard to come by.

The first is those you learn what not to be.  Most often than not, they don't actually know their job and so they try to overcompensate in other ways.  When something goes wrong in their section, they are the first one to try to pass the blame on to someone junior to them in their shop.  These are also the same individuals who consistently ask of their soldiers what they are not willing to do themselves.  They become the most frustrating individuals you will deal with, often times setting a decision in stone among younger soldiers on their decision to separate from the Army.  Even years down the road when looking back on those individuals, a sour taste instantly comes to your mouth.

The other side is those that are your true leaders.  They push you to become a better person, even when you don't always realize when you are working with them.  Sometimes they will give you a bad taste at the time, but when you look back at the big picture, it's easy to see they were simply trying to make you a better soldier.  The lead by example and instead of writing soldiers off, they actually find out what's going on with a soldier.  When there is something to do, they are there next to you helping you do it.

As I look back now, there are individuals whose names still make me cringe.  They were horrible leaders.  On the other side, there is a handful that I can look back on and hope that I made them proud in some way, shape or form during my time in.