To breastfeed or not to breastfeed

We are currently in world breastfeeding week.  To an extent, I dread it.  It's not that I have an issue with nursing your child, because it's actually quite the opposite.  It's more of seeing the pictures pop up of women nursing their children brings up bad feelings. 

I nursed my oldest until he was a little over six months old and the first few times I gave him formula, I cried.  I felt like I was failing him, I felt guilty because the reason for transitioning him was because of me, not him.  The wear and tear a perfectly healthy body takes during a pregnancy, delivery and within that first year after a child is delivered is painful and exhausting.  Then if you factor in a pre-existing back injury and severe issues with migraines and vision loss, you have a bad equation.

Both of my boys were worth every last minute of that pain, but that doesn't negate that I'm constantly in pain.  By the time my oldest was six months old, the back pain and migraines had elevated so severely that I was having regular blackout spells and issues functioning on daily tasks.  After seeing the required specialists, they gave me an option - either I continued nursing my son and that was pretty much all I was going to be able to do for him OR I started taking the necessary pain medicine to control the pain to where I could be part of everything else in his life. 

I still continued trying to a while and the issues continued to get worse, then finally that day came that I popped open that container and mixed the powder and water together.  As I sat there rocking him and watching his suck on the bottle, tears started to flow.  I felt like I shouldn't be so selfish, like I should try to just deal with the pain to give him that little boost.  After a long round discussion with my husband and a lot of tears, we finally decided that this was the best route to go.  So I started the pain meds and the pain started subsiding, but each time I filled up that bottle, those feelings resurfaced and I struggled with not putting the meds back up in the cabinet and leaving them there.

When my oldest was just under 18 months old, my youngest was born.  Once again with a lot of stubbornness and determination, I decided I was going to breastfeed him until he was at least as old as my oldest had been when I had stopped nursing. 

Then life kicked in.  My back was in much worse shape then it had been after my first pregnancy, I had barely pushed through the pregnancy itself and now was struggling through daily tasks again.  Then before he was in a week old, mastitis kicked in and I was sitting in the ER in so much pain.  My little guy wasn't getting enough milk while the infection cleared up and formula came into play.  After that had cleared up, we battled two rounds of thrush.

Each hurdle caused decreases in milk production.  Every day, the pain increased and I came back to the same decision I was faced with for my oldest.  After a lot of talking with my husband, he gave me the support I needed to come to terms with a decision I was having trouble making, once again.  Now I have an almost two year old and a five month old, one started on formula at six months, one was just a little over a week old before it was introduced. 

As I look back, I still get emotional about going the route I went, but I know that I have been able to be more a part of their lives than I would have if I had gone the other route.  I still know that breast is best, but sometimes another route is taken for very valid reasons that may not be known to every person that sees them pouring that powder for their child.  It was hard enough for me to deal with the decision and the route I took, without constantly feeling like there is judgement from others.

I guess the reason I'm sharing all of this is because I support those that are able to breastfeed, but please don't think less of me as a mother because I've shifted to the formula route, because for us it was the best route.

The other side

Deployments sucks, there's no doubt about it.  It sucks for the service member and it sucks for the family in the rear.   Both my husband and I have both been deployed twice before and we both remember getting on the bus to head to the plane on both ends.  On one end, you are nervous, but ready to just get there and get started in your job to make the time go by more quickly.  Then the time comes that your replacements show up and you start the process of showing them the ropes. 

Both times, for me, I was focused on the suck of it.  The fact that I was leaving again.  It doesn't matter that this is the life we chose, it still has moments that just plain aren't the highlight of it.  The thing I hadn't thought about was the other side.  Just was much as we looked forward to the time when our replacements came so we could go home, the families that were waiting for us to come home were as well. 

I don't think I realized that as much until I watched my husband say goodbye to our boys again.  And honestly, when you are enduring that hurt, it's hard to think outside of your little bubble at that moment in time.  But then it hit me, down the road when it's time for him to come home, we will be so excited.  There will be banners made and homecoming shirts ordered, the house will get a good final scrubbing and the puppy will get a bath.  We will all load up and drive to the ceremony and rush into our soldier's arms and our family will be whole again. 

Our time is down the road for that, but for another family when my husband hit the ground there, another soldier was packing his bags and looking at that picture that has been hanging up of his family one last time before packing it away.  In a few short days, that soldier will no longer need that picture because he will be running into his family's arms and their little family will be whole again. 

So while that doesn't fix the hole in our hearts while our soldier has to be gone, today was a little easier thinking through it that way.  And when our soldier is backing away our picture, I will make sure to say a prayer for that family that is saying 'see you soon' so we can be whole again. 

Kansas sucks...

Kansas sucks.  I have heard this more times than I can count.  As military service members and spouses, we often follow where the Army sends us.  This may end up with a less-than-stellar location.  One thing I have learned though is that locations are all about what you make of it. 

Sure, Kansas sucks, if you don't like being outside, if you don't like history, if you don't like nature, if you don't appreciate the appeal of a small town.  No different than Hawaii sucks if you don't like being outside, if you don't like surfing, if you don't like sunshine, if you don't like the beach.  It's all a matter of taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture. 

When we were in Germany and even since then, I've had so many people that talked about how lucky we were to be stationed there.  I loved our time there, BUT there are cons in being stationed in places like that as well.  We had the opportunity to see places that we probably would have never been able to otherwise.  We were able to actually live in another culture, not just visit it.  However, roughly 95% of my medical appointments required specialists - the nearest of which were two and a half hours ago, on the Autobahn, so that would equate to closer to a four hour drive here in the States.  Wearing anything with the American Flag on it were frowned upon because you made yourself a target to those that weren't a fan of American's.  There are many other things I could list, but I will stop there. 

I'm not trying to focus on the negative, that's not my point here.  My point is that every location and I mean EVERY location, has good and bad depending on your personal interest and experiences.  The key to enjoying your time is to do some research, find things off the beaten path.  Everyone knows where the mall is or the zoo, but what about the other places to see.  I make a point to follow as many of the small towns in the area on places like Facebook or Twitter.  They are always posting pictures of places within their area that most people don't know about or they post about events going on. 

You have to make a conscious effort to make the most of the situation.  I know with my boys that their take on places and situations is found much in the way my husband and I respond.  If we find a better way to view things, our children will too. 

On that note, for those that are in Kansas, these are a couple lists of both events and places to see within roughly an hour from the Fort Riley area and the Wichita area :

Events: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L3S-3rNzNRPXVc7rd2WqIS0qI1sz0wn87FieFzvCoSE/edit?usp=sharing
Places to see:  https://docs.google.com/document/d/15Ai8bjU34UuYhN2aAILFnldgvo1it6XrvgQTqUCHLwk/edit?usp=sharing

Please note - these docs are a work in progress - if you know of something going on that isn't listed here or something to see, please comment below or email me at mindy.k.king10@gmail.com

A very special project

One thing I have learned along the way is that every veteran has a story to tell.  It doesn't matter what branch they served in or what era, whether they saw combat or not - there is always a story. 

Over the past few years, during my time in the Army I became involved in the American Legion and then after my first deployment, the VFW.  I've heard many stories of some of the older veterans, most are the funny kind of the 'you won't believe what this guy did' type of story.  The occasional chance that you hear a war story from one of the more seasoned generations, it's the time to really sit down and listen. 

Veterans of our past are a walking part of history, they have seen things and know stories that you will never find in any history book.  They have witnessed a true spectrum of emotions that no one else could ever imagine.  Many of them have carried that weight of those emotions for years and for many, it has been carried to the grave.  Once that happens, that part of history remains forever unknown and becomes forgotten at the moment of that last breathe.

I know I have been guilty of this in the past...  my grandfather was a career service member with a total of 21 years between the Navy and Air Force.  With the exception of the summarized final retirement papers, I know nothing about his history.  My mom was so young when he was in the service, that she doesn't remember much besides a couple short years in Japan, which for the most part is a blur.  That is history we can't get back.  I can't google it or go to the library and look it up - it's just simply gone. 

This has prompted something in me....  something I want to preserve.  Over the next few months, I'm going to be working on a project that will hopefully capture some of this history - so when these veteran's families look back, they don't regret what they don't know...

My future son

The past is ever present on days like today, as we pause to remember those fallen service members.  Tonight I also saw a flash into the future.  My oldest son is 20 months old and he was out helping his daddy in the garage work on the blazer he drove to high school. 

As he was standing up behind the steering wheel, he reached out and asked for the football that was sitting on the floor in the garage.  I handed it to him and he took it and put it on the dash of the blazer.  I had just been talking to my husband about talking the blazer out and getting some pictures of our boys and him before he deploys and that had given me an idea.  One of the pictures I want to take is my oldest standing next to the blazer holding a football, then down the road when he is in high school if he ends up playing football, I want to do the same picture. 

I came inside and began thinking more about this flash forward.  I told my mom about it and she said the same had happened from time to time when my sister and I were growing up.  She talked about how it pulls at the heartstrings... and it does.  For a moment, my heart ached as I knew my boys are already growing up too fast. 

Then I thought further about it...  one of the things that has always been in the back of my mind with my boys growing up around the military is the possibility of them taking that route and how much that scares me.  But it was a fear that both my family and my husband's family faced a number of years back when we had each enlisted and again faced each time we deployed. 

I began to imagine the mothers of the fallen...  how they had felt when they were watching their children grow up, whether they saw them growing old or having children, or whether they had pictured them in uniform.  When I have talked to Gold Star Mothers in the past, some mentioned that being in the service was all their child ever wanted, others said it was something they never expected.  When you talk to most of them, their favorite stories they share are the ones of their young child, when innocence was at it's best and the simple things in life were the best. 

Before I became a mommy, I still couldn't imagine losing a child to a war.  Now that I am a mommy to two amazing boys, I can't imagine losing my children to anything.  Today, after this vision of my future son, my heart aches more than it normally does for those mothers who have lost their child. 

Soldier vs. Spouse?

Soldier or spouse, who has it harder?  This is a question I have been asked many times and it never gets any easier to answer.  Before I was a spouse, I would have said soldier in a heartbeat, but that was simply because I didn't know.  Now that I have been on both sides, I honestly have to say it's like trying to compare apples and oranges. 

The soldier has the benefit of knowing what is going on.  When there is a comms blackout, they know whether they are fine or not.  They control much of communications, at least on the electronics side of things.  They often have the bonus of losing track of what day it is and stay busy enough that time moves by relatively quickly.  BUT...  depending on what their job is, they may have to deal with horrible scenes that most would not even want to imagine, they deal with losing their battle buddies and with missing out on everything going on at home.  I know when I was deployed, I maybe called home once a month.  I didn't want to know what I was missing out on.  When you add children to the mix of that, you have many service members that miss the birth, first steps, first words, birthdays, holidays and other important events that you can never get back - that can be a very hard pill to swallow.

On the other side of the house - the spouse.  The spouse has the benefit of normalcy.  I know that's hard to say since nothing is normal when our soldiers are gone, but we still have the benefit of our own bed, a shower every day, jumping in the car and going and grabbing something if we need it.  We also get to see the daily growth and interactions of our children.  We don't miss the birthdays and holidays, the special events and first words.  BUT... we live in a day to day countdown.  Our days often times move more slowly than theirs do as when we lay down for bed, the lack of their presence is made so much more obvious by the empty space in our bed.  When something is reported in the area where we know there is a good possibility they are, we hold our breath and try to stay busy until we know that 'notification timeframe' has passed.  We wait anxiously for the next call or letter.  We stay busy with other things, but the waiting is still there in the back of our minds. 

You see, the soldier and the spouse, even though we share the same family and share a life together, still have two completely separate paths.  One is that of the soldier who goes out on the adventures the military sends them on, but many times don't return whole whether physically, mentally or both.  The other is that of the spouse, the one who may never have a complete understanding of where their soldier has been or what they have seen, but takes their spouse as they are and moves forward on their path. 

Each side is a hero in their own right, each side makes sacrifices and each side shares a pride in their service to their country - whether in uniform or by loving someone in uniform.

Problem soldier

I hadn't even been an NCO a month when I found myself in the commander's office.

Earlier that morning, my squad leader approached me because two of the junior enlisted soldiers were scheduled to have their article 15 read to them and their NCOs weren't available to provide a 'defense' statement for them.  He asked me if I would be willing to go in and speak with the commander.  Knowing both the soldiers and had worked with them, I knew the reason they were in trouble was not necessarily out of character for them, but a little more severe than their normal antics. 

 While in Al Asad, Iraq, he completed the Marine Corps
Corporals Course

While out one weekend, they had found themselves in a fight with soldiers from another battalion.  When it was all said and done, the other five soldiers ended up in the hospital and they weren't much worse for the wear.  The soldiers were sorry though and they were good soldiers who had done something that most young soldiers will do at some point in time, they made a mistake.

As I'm standing there in the commander's office and I listen to someone who barely knows these soldiers names try to explain to the commander that they are nothing but trouble makers and deserve to be punished to the full extent, my 'fear' of the position I was in disappeared and my anger over this individuals lack of leadership kicked in.  After listening to what he had to say, I respectfully told him he didn't know what he was talking about and explained to the commander my first hand daily interactions with the soldiers.  After I had said my part, I was told my portion was done and I was free to go. 

A little while later on the hangar floor, I was tackled by those two soldiers.  Apparently, the commander had intended on punishing them to the max extent, which was a possible field grade, but after hearing what I had said about the soldiers, he changed his mind.  The soldiers still found themselves on extra duty for quite a while, but they had learned their lesson.

In this situation, I had learned something extremely important about leadership as well.  The soldiers simply needed someone who trusted and believed in them.  From that day forward, neither of those soldiers ever got in trouble again. 

Over the course of the last few years, I have kept in touch with one of these soldiers.  Although I still see that young, immature soldier in him - the changes in him have been completely amazing.  We deployed together and when I found out I was leaving to head back early, he was there with a positive word and a hug to send me back with. 

When the unit returned from deployment, I witnessed the changes that a deployment as a MEDEVAC crew chief can cause in soldiers.  I witnessed, through pictures, his wedding to a fellow soldier.  Then a little less than a year later, they welcomed their first child.  Both his wife and him has since left the service, but they have continued to grow.  He has become a real estate agent, she is going to school and they are expecting their second child any day now.  Even though he is less than ten years younger than me, he seems like one of my kids and I couldn't be more proud of the person he has become!