Our world

In the last few days, our military community and even smaller, within our aviation family has suffered a great loss.  When the news broke of a downed helicopter in Afghanistan… it was a quick blip and the it jumped to the next news story.  In that quick blip, our aviation world stopped.  Families anxiously sat at home waiting to see if they would hear that dreaded knock and they watched their phones to see if that weird unfamiliar number would pop up.

The rest of the world continued turning.  Those that were around these families have told them to go do something or to try to keep busy.  Even sometimes those closest to us don't understand.  They haven't been in our shoes, they haven't waited.

In the military, those service members aren't just co-workers, they become a part of each other's lives.  They are there with each other in the worst conditions and help each other get through the hardest times.  When they are home for the holidays, they open up their home to those other service members who may not be going home.  They support each other and have each other's backs.

On the other side of the world, their spouses do the same thing.  They become close friends in a much shorter time than you would see in the civilian world.  They share their most intimate moments of weakness and reach out just when it is needed.  They help make sense of the often less than understandable military and open their arms when their world is shattered.

Most are oblivious to the world that takes place within a military community.  It's a world that is often misunderstood, a sacrifice that is often forgotten, a weight that sometimes seems unmanageable to carry, but in the military this is the daily life.  What makes the difference is our soldiers and those they serve beside, on the home front it is the families and those that wait with them.

As our world has faced a horrible tragedy, we will mourn the loss of these precious lives, we will support those whose world were shattered and we will always remember that although this world can be difficult, we are not in it alone.

The decisions we make

Decisions… it's something we all deal with throughout the different seasons in life.  There are the decisions to take a job that would uproot your family or the decision on which college to attend, sometimes decisions that are as trivial as what will be for dinner.  Over the past nine years, I have found myself faced with some of the most difficult decisions I have made.  Those nine years encompass the military years, not only for myself as a soldier, but also to those as an Army wife.

I think the biggest decision I ever made that has most greatly affected my life and it's course was joining the Army.  If it hadn't been for that I probably wouldn't met my husband, I most likely would still be wearing glasses, I probably wouldn't deal with the pain and other frequent struggles, I probably never would have moved away from where I was originally from…  There's a lot of 'probably nevers'.

Since that big decision, there's been a lot of others along the way.  The decision to re-enlist.  The decision to marry a fellow soldier.  The decision to accept that the pain was getting worse and acknowledge that the Army deemed I no longer met medical standards to continue wearing the uniform.

The decision to start a family.  The decision to try to be stationed close to family.  The decision to be a start a home mom.  The decision for my husband to re-enlist, and re-enlist again.  The decision for him to pursue becoming a warrant officer.  The decision for him to accept his selection.

I could go on and on.  Some of these decisions were ones that were made that affected myself and myself alone, others were ones that we have made as a family.  The most recent major decision we made was for my husband to accept his selection to flight school.  This seemingly simple decision had so many short and long term affects on our family.

First, it meant a re-enlist that would take him to 14 years in the Army.  We had both decided years ago that if that magic number of ten years in the Army was hit by either of us, that we would stay in until retirement at 20 years.  So this single decision in itself committed our family to another 12 years of Army life.

Second, it meant a move…  a move away from the first home we purchased, the home we brought both of our boys home to after they were born, a home that's close to my side of the family.  In the long term, the move now is a chance for our kids to be closer to my husband's side of the family for a little while, for our boys and our nephews to see each other more often.  

Third, it meant a form of stability, in a sense.  Although, there will be moves along the way, new houses to decorate, new schools for the kids, probably more deployments, it also means that we are stable in the fact that the boys will never go without health care, they will always have a roof over their head, there will always be food on the table.

When we had sat down and looked over all the pros and cons, we decided for our family, although we know there will be some challenges ahead based on this decision, there would also be challenges if we decided to go the other route and him separate from the Army.

We have learned along the way that decisions aren't always easy.  Even something so joyous as becoming a parent can be met with challenges we never imagined we would face (and I'm saying this as my oldest is only two, who knows what is yet to come).  We do our best to look from the outside in and see what will be the most positive outcome for the future and we pray that God will light the path we are meant to take.

We are all humans and with that there is choices - the choices we make will lead us one direction over another.  Sometimes the path we chose, wasn't the right one and we find ourselves back tracking to get to the last fork in the road.  Other times, we are able to look forward to the next fork because our decision was the right one for us.  Then there are going to be other times that no decision is right or wrong, it's simply a matter of choosing which path we are going to take.

Every decision becomes a part of who we are.

The early arrival

I think it's easy to be frustrated when a soldier makes it home before yours does.  My husband just arrived home from deployment number three a little over halfway through.  There hasn't been a deployment yet though that at least some of the soldiers haven't come back at off times from the rest of the unit.

First deployment, even though we had been extended to 15 months and in the heart of the surge in Iraq, there were still soldiers that returned early for one reason or another - some had been hurt, some had become pregnant and some had family members that had significant health issues to include one of our spouses being diagnosed with cancer.

Second deployment was a little different.  I was one of those that returned early - about four months in to a year long deployment.  My back just wasn't holding up and with our change of orders from Iraq to Afghanistan, the expectations of our unit were going to change drastically.  I wasn't the first one to return home early from our unit and I ended up becoming one of quite a few that would return home early over the course of the next eight months.

Now on to number three.  My husband was on the first flight out, which to most was transparent besides a picture posted of the four of us from the day he left.  I still went to almost every deployment ceremony to take pictures for one family or another.  I watched as families trickled out over the course of a month after my husband had left.  Then starting a couple of months ago with a memo, I started seeing faces reappear here that had left long after my husband had.  They reappeared before we knew he was going to be coming home early.

With each situation, I saw the unfortunate bitterness.  The thing I think is very interesting about that bitterness, it's only at home.  Even when a soldier returned because of being pregnant, for the most part, little was said, we were all too busy to really care too much about it.

When I was getting ready to head back, I struggled with leaving my soldiers, but they all supported me.  I was sent off with hugs and well wishes, genuine well wishes.  Eight months later when the soldiers were getting ready to arrive home, I braced myself for cold shoulders and the sore feelings towards me… but there wasn't one.  As those soldiers walked in the hangar to turn in their weapons and I started shaking hands to welcome them home, those hand shakes were quickly shifted to hugs as the soldiers pulled me in for them.

This deployment had been much different for us though… this is the first time I haven't been on the soldier side of things.  As my husband shared that it was that time, the soldiers he had worked most closely with sent him off with words of well wishes, with hugs and a genuine happiness that he was returning home.  He had that anticipation and when he arrived home, he was happy to be home. The first day he was home, we spent the day making goodies to send in care packages to some of the single soldiers he was deployed with.  They knew and understood why he was coming home and they supported him.

On the other side of it, I have braced myself for weeks, every since we knew for sure he was coming home early.  I didn't really tell anyone because I anticipated there would be negative feelings, whether they were shown or not.  I saw how last deployment changed many of the relationships, even those that were close during the other parts of the deployment, when one of the soldiers arrived home early.  All of a sudden, you aren't sharing in something together, you feel like the other person is no longer your ally.  It's like they have morphed into this different person.

The fact is - that person doesn't change just because their soldier is home.  I never saw one person whose soldier came home early turn their back on the spouses they had been friends with.  They still were available when there was a bad day or when there as an emergency and the kids needed to be watched.

Even though I was a soldier last deployment, I was still a spouse with a deployed soldier.  I didn't understand the thought process of this perceived morphing then and I guess I still don't know.  Over the last months as other soldiers have come home, I was honestly happy for those families…  some of which I didn't even know at all.  As military families, we know how much our soldiers miss out on, so I celebrate when a soldier doesn't have to miss something.  No different than now that my husband is home, doesn't make my heart break any less for our little military family who will have an empty chair at their table for Christmas or for upcoming birthdays, etc.

Recently, I have deleted myself off a lot of the local military spouse groups.  I found that I didn't understand a lot of the needless drama that takes place.  The new form of bullying that has arisen.  As soldiers, although we didn't always get along, we did what we needed to in order to support our fellow soldiers.  That didn't mean things were always rainbows and kittens, but you do what you have to in order to make the mission happen.  I guess that's why I'm at such a loss on why this doesn't carry over to the other side of the family.  Maybe that's why I've stuck to just a few close people and kept my distance otherwise.

Bottom line - this life, this military life we live in has enough challenges, why do we add more to it?

The real reintegration

It's easy to get wrapped in to the magic of a homecoming ceremony when you see all the pictures of that second first kiss.  The embraces that have been waiting for months and at times for a year or longer.  The children who are so small and tiny, holding a sign that simply states something that is so heartbreaking and so simple 'I've waited all my life to meet you…'

These are the moments that are posted and shared.  The moments that when you are going through your first deployment with your spouse you count down to, you look forward to.  It's the moments that come after that first night or that first few days, that you come to understand a little more after each deployment.

You learn that term reintegration means a lot more than a bunch of classes that the Army (and all other branches of service) require your service member to take.  It means getting them settled back in to every day life.  That could mean something as simple as the coffee being made a little less strong than something that could dissolve a spoon or staying on their side of the bed at night.  Or it could go much further… It could be the nightmares that wake them up or the days it takes them to readjust to the new time zone that causes their patience to wear a little thin.

It's in reminding them to take the trash out or getting used to having a baby monitor on through the night.  It's in the hyper vigilance that may take months to calm down or the way they constantly feel like they are missing something when they are walking out the door, because they've just spend the last number of months with a weapon constantly attached.

In recent weeks, when talking to other spouses about my husband coming home early from deployment, it was hard to explain how there was hesitation.  Even when I returned from a deployment when I was a single soldier, things were off.  It wasn't something I could put in to words, but it was just different.  Deployments change a person, some for the good, some for the bad, some find their breaking points and others will see life completely differently than they ever did before.  After all of that, they are sent back to their home, with their families, where life has continued to go on without their presence, where their child they left who couldn't even sit up by themselves is now walking and talking.

My point is this…  This whole reintegration thing doesn't get easier, you just start seeing it differently.  You understand that there are things you can do to prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best. There are ways to make that honeymoon period last beyond that first couple days.  You also learn that there are things you can help and things you can't, that being there to listen doesn't mean pushing them to talk and that it's okay if they aren't comfortable with being home with the kids alone right off the bat.

So when that moment comes and you see your soldier march in and that moment that has been building up for months comes… enjoy it, relish it.  Then in the moments that come after that, as minutes turn to hours and hours turn to days - be patient - be patient with your soldier, be patient with your kids, but most of all be patient with yourself.

A piece missing

There are days I struggle.  I miss being a soldier.  I miss having soldiers to work with and I even miss the deployments.

When my medical retirement officially came down, I struggled.  It was not on my terms, it was not on my planned time.

There have been days that I don't feel like I'm accomplishing the same things I was before.  Most of my days are spent taking care of my two little boys and keeping the household running.  I know this is some of the most important work I will ever do, however, there is still a piece missing.  Then from time to time, that piece reappears.

It appears in the form of a former soldier contacting me needing help with something or a spouse who is dealing with some stuff with their service member that they just need someone to listen.  Something directed that individual, some of which I have never met in person, to click that send button.  Although at the end of many of the conversations, there is thanks for listening or for helping them look up a regulation, the thanks is really coming from my end.  For that moment in time, the soldier is me resurfaces and I'm a different person.

To be honest, I think this has helped me deal more with the abrupt end to my planned career and other issues that had come along the way than any counselor or book every could.

So to those who thought I may have been helping them out in some way, shape or form… please know that you have helped me more than you will ever know.

What the years have brought

At the recruiters station with my family

Nine years ago today, I did one of the most difficult things I have done.  I met back at the recruiters station and loaded a van to head to MEPs.  From there I would fly to Fort Jackson, South Carolina to begin basic training.  Just two days into the Army would be my first holiday away from my family.  That first Thanksgiving would be an uneventful day waiting in reception for the inprocessing to finish to actually be transferred to my training unit.  Our required uniform was the old marshmallow PT suit.  As I look back at that first holiday and the fear I had in the decision I had made, I also look at the years in between.  They have taken me on some crazy adventures and I have met some of the most wonderful people.  Without going into too much detail, here is a quick 'snapshot' of those nine years.


Eight years ago, I spent Thanksgiving at Fort Rucker, Alabama.  The day before I had found out that I had finally received my security clearance and would soon receive my orders for my first duty station.  A couple of other soldiers and I spent the morning serving lunch at the homeless shelter and then went to Cracker Barrel for dinner.

Seven years ago was my first Thanksgiving deployed.  We were lucky where we were to have a nice DFAC, but it still was hard being away from home.  There was some comfort in knowing that I did have family close at hand with my cousin being on the other side of Baghdad.

Six years ago was my second straight Thanksgiving deployed.  This time the essence of the second straight deployed holiday was highlighted by the reporter who felt the need to walk around and ask how we felt about the deployment being extended and that it was extended through a second set of holidays.


Five years ago, was spent in WLC in Grafenwohr, Germany.  My husband was able to come visit me, but we had very limited visitation hours.

Four years ago, I had just returned from deployment early and my husband was in Afghanistan.  I spent the day actually feeling like a spouse as opposed to another soldier.  I was immersed in the world of spouses in the rear and most of us sat down and shared our meal together at the DFAC.  That evening, a fellow spouse and I boarded a bus for a very long trip to London.  

Three years ago, was a rough time....  My husband had returned from deployment a few months before and then had been sent TDY.  We were going through a lot of stuff with post deployment challenges and then I had just officially signed out of the Army after being medically retired.  Within a couple months we would find out that our first child was on the way.

Two years ago, we had just moved back to the states, our son was just a couple months old, we had bought our first house and for the first time since before I joined the Army, we spent Thanksgiving with my family.  

One year ago, we were expecting our second son.  My husband had just finished top in his class at ALC and a few days after Thanksgiving he headed to Colorado for training.

This year our family is spending separated.  My husband is on his third deployment.  As I look back on all these years, there have been some years that were challenging, some that were heartbreaking, some that brought happiness and some that just were.  The bottom line is that, even though there are days that I hate the pain that has resulted from my time in the Army, the rest of it, I wouldn't give up for anything.  It's given me the opportunity to do things I never would have done otherwise, to meet people I never would have otherwise, to see places I never would have had the opportunity to travel to and it was where I met my amazing husband.  That decision was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

A overdue word of thanks

I look around and can't believe how blessed we are.  We have wonderful neighbors who mow our yard or shovel the snow when my husband is gone.  I have friends who are willing to take my boys, even in a last minute for me.  I have the blessing of living close enough to family to see the on a regular basis, which is something that I have found myself taking for granted at times.

We are getting ready to move again (as is the Army life) and we won't be close to family like we have been at our current location.  Although we have been stationed overseas and other places away from home, all of that was before kids.  I still was going through a number of medical treatments, but it was easier to handle when it was just me.  Now I have these two little guys running/crawling around and it adds a little extra challenge to things.  A challenge that my mom has helped with more than I can count.

We moved here when I was 32 weeks pregnant with our oldest.  My parents helped us house hunt and helped us (when I say us, I really mean they helped by husband) move.  They were here to take care of our crazy puppy while we were in the hospital.  Then when my husband went on a number of TDYs, my mom came up and helped me out.  She took my son so I could take a break, she folded clothes or emptied the dishwasher.

Then about nine months later, we announced we were expecting our second little guy.  Once again, my parents came up to help.  They stayed here at the house with our oldest while we were in the hospital.  Then over the past almost eight months, as a TDY has come up and then deployment - my medical appointments haven't stopped, but every time my mom has always been there.

As we get ready to move, I know that is a big change that is going to take place.  It's going to take some getting used to, because I've been spoiled while we were here.  I don't think there are enough words to thank my mom for the sanity she has helped me keep or the pain she has prevented or the stress she has taken away.  I love you, mom!